Let It Go

I feel like I need to write this, and let it go once and for all.

My best friend was my cousin (I wrote about our relationship here).

Growing up I wore my heart on my sleeve, I was so open, so bubbly, no filter between my brain and my mouth. You got what you saw with me.

But then I started noticing that whilst the everyone new exactly who I was, I didn’t really know my closest best-friend. She was so closed off, having trust issues. Later on I learnt that her parents were having marriage problems, and were to divorce. This was never openly discussed in our family and to-date still has never openly been said. It’s just brushed under the carpet and not questioned by us kids because we never really saw her dad anyway, so his absence is not unusual. Point is, to-date she has never once mentioned this whole saga to me, or even indicated that it’s happened.

So I found that so weird. There I stood openly telling her everything about our household, my secrets, my feelings, and not thinking anything weird with being so forthcoming, but something as big as her parents divorcing and she never uttered a word to me. The lack of trust on her part was part of the turning events for me when I changed into into this bitter person that you have seen vent on this blog.

I thought she was so cool, so mysterious being that closed off. I felt that being so open as I was, was considered uncool. So based on the hurt I was feeling from the lack of trust she had in me and a bunch of other stuff happening in my life at the point, I decided I needed to close myself off.

I created the same monster that I am today trying to defeat.

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I Go Blind And Let The Lord Do His Thing

I’m no longer consistently posting, but that’s because I’m out here living.

Don’t really want to do that usual 2017 new year post thing, but I feel like I need to reflect back on 2016.

Politically the year sucked for the world.

Personally this was a good year for me.

Looking back through my blog I had so much negative anger that I kept hold off. I turned myself into my own biggest problem – that’s a story for another day.

All I want to say for anyone out there who finds themselves relating to my blogs is that it’s ok. I found out that you need to go through the crazy times in order to FIND yourself. You need to hit rock bottom and figure out how to climb back up by YOURSELF. No matter how many people you are surrounded by that love you, it is your personal journal to SELF discovery. If you aren’t the one picking yourself up, then it’s not happening man, you are not living YOUR life. Stop waiting for someone to put out a helping hand, sad truth is that everyone is out here for themselves.

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Not Worthy Enough

My confidence has collapsed again.

It never even grew enough to build a stable, strong foundation. That’s what makes it harder.

I don’t feel worthy. Of anything.

I’m receiving love from my family but don’t feel worthy of it, that’s where the hostility is coming from. I’m on the defensive once again.

It’s time. I need to take the step and find a therapist.

I need to let go of this once and for all.

I can’t keep dragging this weight around anymore. I’m emotionally battered.

I don’t even know why.

End game.

Catch Me Baby, I’m Falling.

I’ve dipped low.

I was riding high for some time and then I fell.

It’s that time again, I’m studying for the next set of exams for my professional qualification alongside working that 9-5. All I know right now is STRESS.

I am so stressed.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’m lashing out.

At this low it feels like Dr.Jekyll never even existed. Mr Hyde is out to play and has no mercy. I’m lashing out at everyone.  I’m lashing out at those who are showing me love, my family. I’m playing victim to those who aren’t. There’s no winning, I’m bowing to defeat and not even trying to fight. I’ve psychoanalysed this moment before it even happened, knew the stress would come and tried to prepare myself for it.

I’ve learnt that no matter how much you prepare for something the reality will still knock you off your feet. I’ve mentally prepared myself so many times for so many things, but it all disappears when push comes to shove. Why is that?

I can’t even sleep. I awoke at 4am with my eyes clenched hard – that’s how I was asleep. I awoke in confusion and my subconscious literally asked “what am I supposed to be doing”. I.e. I felt like i should be doing something productive, IN MY SLEEP! I was genuinely so confused and felt like I needed to change my position or do something. When the fog cleared away I got my answer – I was supposed to be resting my body, that’s what sleep is. I genuinely felt like I should have been doing something in my sleep!!  I can’t explain how profound this little experience was. That’s how i knew this stress was getting too much.

I’m so stuck right now, the fear of failure is taking over my life. I can’t do this anymore.

It’s so hard.

Clipping My Own Wings

I’ve finally grown into my own and am proud of and love my family and culture. Bragging to others who are unaware of this mysterious world and way of living. But I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot.

At work I lavishly talk about my somewhat traditional, yet lightly infused with western, way of living. But the smiles and pretty picture only lasts at work. At home the mask comes off and I feel drained; but from what? The fake smiles? I can’t work out what I want or what I need to make me happy. I’m a completely different person at work compared to home. Work gets my smiles, laughter and kindness. Home gets my bad moods, hostility and sharp responses.

I’m confused. Why am I being so harsh to my family. I am a miserable, horrible person to my family. But the complete opposite to strangers. Perhaps the supression growing up is causing resentment? All I know is that I don’t treat my family they way I should, but I can’t stop or change it either.

I distance myself from them, am aware of this, but can’t stop it at the same time.

So lost and confused.

They Can’t Poke Me Anymore

Started 2016 off with a bang by deactivating my Facebook account! Wowza that felt good.

I’m not committing to never going back, but a break from it will be good for me. This is one resolution that I have partially completed by just clicking the button. I was really apprehensive and didn’t want to do it, worrying that I would miss out on a lot of gossip and information about my ‘FB Friends’, but nevertheless I have just pressed the Deactivate Button people!

My low-self esteem, low-self worth and confidence is a problem that spills onto every aspect of my life. Facebook and general social media culture consists of people posting the most fabulous moments of their life for the world to see, which can get a little depressing. Especially when you know you are prone to the little green eye and base your self-worth on every comparison you can make to others.

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Climbing Off My High Horse

I’ve flicked through my blog and realised a lot of my posts originate from a righteous attitude and a deeply instilled sense of anger. I’ve been busy living life this past year and its been messy, hurtful but fun. I’ve learnt a lot of lessons, the key one being that you need to speak. I’m a quiet individual, always sitting in the background letting everyone else dull my shine. But that’s my own fault. If I want something I need to speak up. If I don’t like something I need to speak up and communicate my feelings. I’m simply so used to keeping my mouth shut its just become a habit.

My posts are very black and white, and that’s because I feel that people should just do something or not. Simple yes or no. But having lived life this past year and stepping outside my comfort zone I realise that life is colourful. Messy as hell but colourful. There is no black and white and that’s the problem. It’s easy to sit behind a keyboard, shut out the world and voice your angry thoughts and opinions, but it’s just so draining. Getting out there and doing is so much more fun.

As always my posts don’t make much sense, but I just had this surging need to come onto here and write this. If you can figure out what the rambling above means then please let me know, because I haven’t a bloody clue.

Happy New Year 🙂

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Rupi Kaur – Milk and Honey