My manager at work who is more like a friend and co-worker made me cry today. But in a good way.
Whilst discussing my progress she noticed an increase in my confidence levels in comparison to when I first started. I made a slight comment on how my strategy was to ‘fake it until I make it’ on the confidence front. This surprised her and she subtly asked around the issue, managing to get me to open up more and explain more about my insecurities. But even though I couldn’t voice them myself she was able to fill in the blanks and made a few comments that hit the nail on the head.
She asked why I felt so insecure and paranoid around others. Did I feel like they would think I wasn’t good looking, that I talked weird, that I dressed weird, that I wasn’t good enough? All these points hit home and I just felt a tear drop roll down my cheek. Then she started complimenting me, saying I was beautiful, smart, charming, bubbly etc. I stopped her, telling her that such words meant nothing when I just honestly and quite simply didn’t believe them. I told her how I felt like people just said that to me to be nice. But the fact that she could see through me just opened me up and had the hurt spilling over. I cried some more and she did the sweetest thing ever. She hugged me and kissed my hair and was just there for me.
You see this way too often, a teenager or adult commits suicide and only then does society acknowledge them. They then get the attention they needed and craved when the news article publishes their story. Too little too late. Society breaks people down by ridiculing every decision they make. They create a vulnerable and broken shell of what that person once was. Then they load the gun and hand it over. Of course they don’t pull the trigger, they couldn’t possibly be caught with blood on their hands. Just like a clever convict they play the character of a shocked mourner well. Who ever suspects the guy standing at the front crying at the funeral?
For a long while now I have been feeling angry. So angry. All the time. The little things tick me off, I have no patience for people and things, I don’t care about anything, my aspirations and goals just don’t matter any more. Looking back at them makes me snicker, I mean who was I to even dream those dreams.
Everything is just bleak.
I tell myself to stop dreaming, what’s the point.
Things I felt so strongly and passionately about are just boring and a waste of time. If you follow my blog you will know that I have a strong aversion and hatred for adultery and cheating (can’t get enough of blogging about it), but now I just don’t care. The other day a thought went through my head: “If I every get cheated on I don’t care anymore, just let it be, I can’t bothered to deal with the drama”.
When that thought popped up in my muddled mess of a mind I was amazed. I have either beat the crap out of that subject and my sub-conscience is literally mentally tired of the issue or/and I am just tired of life and its stresses.
Ok so back to the anger issue, I sat down and thought what the fuck is making me so angry, whatever it is needs to get sorted asap, because the people around me are slowly getting pissed off.
After weeks of thinking around the issue and trying to psychoanalyse myself I realised it stems to one thing. That one fucking thing that had laid slightly dormant for a while before cropping up with a vengance (I am noting a cycle with this).
One of the official definitions of narcissism is Excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one’s physical appearance. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorderin which the individual is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity.
According to Wikipedia Some of the symptoms of Narcissistic personality disorder are:
Reacts to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation
Imagines unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance
Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
Easily becomes jealous
Lacks empathy and disregards the feelings of others
Is easily hurt and rejected
Sets unrealistic goals
Wants “the best” of everything
Appears as tough-minded or unemotional
Now the image we tend to have of the word Narcissistic is of a beautiful person who stares in the mirror all day and flicks their hair. But according to the symptoms above I would technically be diagnosed as a narcissist! Now to someone who suffers from low self-esteem that has got to be the biggest piece of BULL I have never heard. Continue reading →