Will You Hold My Hand, Please?

I’m seeking a husband.

But I’ve never had a date. I’m 24.

It’s a little different in my culture, we’re not supposed to date around in order to avoid temptation as we are to enter marriage as virgins.

Can you imagine how difficult it is to be 24 and never have been in a relationship. I am craving male companionship and physical contact, not necessarily sex, but simply holding hands and having someone to hug. Try going that long without that physical human contact, it gets quite lonely.

I have informed my family that I am ready for marriage and they have started ‘the search’. This involves them asking friends and family in our community of any suitable matches. It’s basically old-school match-making. Word spreads and you end up marrying your Gran’s-sisters-husbands-brothers-sons-cousins-friends-uncles-son.

It’s an arranged marriage which isn’t so much arranged. My family are the matchmakers who introduce potentials and we both will meet and chat and decide if we would like to get to know each other, but you do so with a marriage in view (average engagement is around 1-2years). During the time that you ‘date’ you are essentially wedding planing, which may seem odd to those from the Western world.

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Anyway, so far we have had people send through pictures of potential guys but not one has been my type and therefore I haven’t progressed to the second stage ‘the meet’. But I have been doing some of my own searching via Instagram (LOL) and even joined Plenty of Fish for 2 days (record!).

Point of this post is that I’m hurting right now. My self-confidence has been battered again because the few individuals that I have actually liked and took a risk to send a message to online have ignored me. That was so hard! I’ve never grown up with male friends and always believed the guy should approach me, not the other way round. It took me a long time to get the courage to send the message.

Rejection sucks, it hurts man it really does. I keep telling myself that I’m simply not their type, the same way I rejected the pictures my family showed me. But for someone who has never been on a date before the rejection makes you feel so low.

The type of guys I like, don’t like me. And the guys who like me I have zero physical attraction to.

I’ve spent the weekend moping around giving my bruised heart and self-esteem a rest.

I 100% know that I shouldn’t take rejection to heart, but how can anyone not?! I’ve always felt like I’m not worthy and this just brings it back and reinforces the feeling. I’ve always felt that there is nothing I have that would make someone want me, and this process makes it worse.

I just want someone to hug me better.

When the guys my family have tried to set me up with reject me I just laugh it off, because I feel so embarrassed and I don’t want my family to know how much it hurts me. I don’t want them to worry, so I act like its hilarious and that I don’t care. I also feel sorry for my family, I feel like watching me get rejected is embarrassing for them. My heart is crying.

As usual I had to write this out because when my heart is hurting I need to communicate my thoughts and let them out so I can get back to putting a bandaid over it.

It’s so funny, I’ve actually prayed to God and asked him to bring the man he has chosen for me into my life. I’m ready for a relationship. I have so much love to give, and I just really want some in return.

I think its so crazy that there are people out there who have sex every other night with strangers and here I am simply wanting someone to hold my hand so that I can experience some physical interaction and to give me a long comforting hug to soothe the lonely ache.

Ouch.

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