I’ve finally grown into my own and am proud of and love my family and culture. Bragging to others who are unaware of this mysterious world and way of living. But I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot.
At work I lavishly talk about my somewhat traditional, yet lightly infused with western, way of living. But the smiles and pretty picture only lasts at work. At home the mask comes off and I feel drained; but from what? The fake smiles? I can’t work out what I want or what I need to make me happy. I’m a completely different person at work compared to home. Work gets my smiles, laughter and kindness. Home gets my bad moods, hostility and sharp responses.
I’m confused. Why am I being so harsh to my family. I am a miserable, horrible person to my family. But the complete opposite to strangers. Perhaps the supression growing up is causing resentment? All I know is that I don’t treat my family they way I should, but I can’t stop or change it either.
I distance myself from them, am aware of this, but can’t stop it at the same time.
I’ve been chasing a high-flying job at a Top 5 multi-national firm for 3 years now and a couple of months ago I got it. Hindsite shows me that the constant rejection fuelled me, it was my driver. But it blurred the lines. What I thought my heart wanted was nothing more than a constant focus on the one thing that I couldn’t achieve. My need to prove success created a facade and front that my brain labelled as a Want. The job was and is the perfect step to the perfect career which would be the perfect goal for the perfect life. But my heart doesn’t want perfect. It wants simple.
Before you get excited this isn’t a post about ‘my first time’.
Last week was my first week at my new job. It was my first job in the corporate world and in an office (previously worked in retail).
And I hated it.
My first day was horrible. The people were nice and it wasn’t hard as I was only going through induction material but I still hated it. All I could think about was how the hell am I going to last a year!
I experienced culture shock, anxiety from being outside of my comfort zone, and I felt scared. Scared of being in this new environment, with new people and without a clue as to what I was meant to do. I went home that night and felt so happy to see my family, so happy to be inside my home and my comfort zone once again.
My dreams and illusions were shattered. During the build up to the new job I had all these fantasies and daydreams about how I was going to act. How I was going to walk into the office looking all professional yet cute with a hint of sexy. How I was going to be confident and show them that I was a force to be reckoned with. How I was going to make friends with everyone and be sure they all knew the new girl was something else.