I Go Blind And Let The Lord Do His Thing

I’m no longer consistently posting, but that’s because I’m out here living.

Don’t really want to do that usual 2017 new year post thing, but I feel like I need to reflect back on 2016.

Politically the year sucked for the world.

Personally this was a good year for me.

Looking back through my blog I had so much negative anger that I kept hold off. I turned myself into my own biggest problem – that’s a story for another day.

All I want to say for anyone out there who finds themselves relating to my blogs is that it’s ok. I found out that you need to go through the crazy times in order to FIND yourself. You need to hit rock bottom and figure out how to climb back up by YOURSELF. No matter how many people you are surrounded by that love you, it is your personal journal to SELF discovery. If you aren’t the one picking yourself up, then it’s not happening man, you are not living YOUR life. Stop waiting for someone to put out a helping hand, sad truth is that everyone is out here for themselves.

Not Worthy Enough

My confidence has collapsed again.

It never even grew enough to build a stable, strong foundation. That’s what makes it harder.

I don’t feel worthy. Of anything.

I’m receiving love from my family but don’t feel worthy of it, that’s where the hostility is coming from. I’m on the defensive once again.

It’s time. I need to take the step and find a therapist.

I need to let go of this once and for all.

I can’t keep dragging this weight around anymore. I’m emotionally battered.

I don’t even know why.

End game.

Catch Me Baby, I’m Falling.

I’ve dipped low.

I was riding high for some time and then I fell.

It’s that time again, I’m studying for the next set of exams for my professional qualification alongside working that 9-5. All I know right now is STRESS.

I am so stressed.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’m lashing out.

At this low it feels like Dr.Jekyll never even existed. Mr Hyde is out to play and has no mercy. I’m lashing out at everyone.  I’m lashing out at those who are showing me love, my family. I’m playing victim to those who aren’t. There’s no winning, I’m bowing to defeat and not even trying to fight. I’ve psychoanalysed this moment before it even happened, knew the stress would come and tried to prepare myself for it.

I’ve learnt that no matter how much you prepare for something the reality will still knock you off your feet. I’ve mentally prepared myself so many times for so many things, but it all disappears when push comes to shove. Why is that?

I can’t even sleep. I awoke at 4am with my eyes clenched hard – that’s how I was asleep. I awoke in confusion and my subconscious literally asked “what am I supposed to be doing”. I.e. I felt like i should be doing something productive, IN MY SLEEP! I was genuinely so confused and felt like I needed to change my position or do something. When the fog cleared away I got my answer – I was supposed to be resting my body, that’s what sleep is. I genuinely felt like I should have been doing something in my sleep!!  I can’t explain how profound this little experience was. That’s how i knew this stress was getting too much.

I’m so stuck right now, the fear of failure is taking over my life. I can’t do this anymore.

It’s so hard.

The Selfish Princess

Once upon a time, there was a girl who wanted everything. She wanted it her way and she wanted it now. They called her a drama queen, a bratty princess or a selfish snob. But at times, she found that she didn’t care.

She had a big family, over-protective but very loving. They were looking to go on big family holiday to a beautiful exotic location. The princess was happy, she liked beautiful white sands and azure seas. However the princess soon learned that getting the large royal family together was not always easy. There was more than ten people to consider and thus ten different timetables, schedules and lifestyles to take into account. The royal group consisted of children, teens, young adults, and middle-aged adults. The princess did not care, the only timetable and life-schedule that mattered to her was her own!

I Tell Them You Don’t Understand My HeartAche

So that’s what that heavy ache is….

I’ll Pencil You In

My latest posts have been centred around how trapped and suffocated I have been feeling. So it’s only fitting that my social circle is too busy for me! It’s that time of year where kids are going through exams. All my friends, siblings and cousins are all busy with studying. Except me! I am working this year and I finally have my weekends free (no stupid Saturday job for me)! However it’s just fitting that when these people are not studying they are working part time on the weekends! Just my luck (I seriously need new friends).

So I am bored, I want to go out, I want to have fun, I want to be a fucking kid. It’s so unfair how I am being restricted from every angle in my life!

• Strict, overprotective parents with old-school views means that my choices and options of what I can do are limited.
• A restricted social circle limits my options of what, when and with whom I can carry out the list of restricted things I can do.
• Social/cultural/religious views, morals and rules tie into all the above and again the key word here is RESTRICTION!

Trapped inside your own mind

They Be Clipping My Wings

Ever since I started work, I have been feeling restless. Monday to Friday goes along great, too busy with travel and work to think.

5pm Friday I’m feeling good, work is over and the weekend is welcome. Except it isn’t. My good mood and wide grin dies down in exactly 1hour 30 minutes. The time it takes me to travel home and think about what the evening and the next 2 days hold.

Shit all.

I feel trapped, suffocated, angry, restless, dispirited. I’m a 20 year old girl wanting to explore life and the world around me. But I’m trapped. I don’t even know who to blame any more. Myself or my family?

So sick of this shit, I feel like there is a bright twinkling spirit bursting around inside me, but minute by minute the light dims and the fuse blows.

50 Shades of Angry

For a long while now I have been feeling angry. So angry. All the time. The little things tick me off, I have no patience for people and things, I don’t care about anything, my aspirations and goals just don’t matter any more. Looking back at them makes me snicker, I mean who was I to even dream those dreams.

Everything is just bleak.

I tell myself to stop dreaming, what’s the point.

Things I felt so strongly and passionately about are just boring and a waste of time. If you follow my blog you will know that I have a strong aversion and hatred for adultery and cheating (can’t get enough of blogging about it), but now I just don’t care. The other day a thought went through my head: “If I every get cheated on I don’t care anymore, just let it be, I can’t bothered to deal with the drama”.

When that thought popped up in my muddled mess of a mind I was amazed. I have either beat the crap out of that subject and my sub-conscience is literally mentally tired of the issue or/and I am just tired of life and its stresses.

Ok so back to the anger issue, I sat down and thought what the fuck is making me so angry, whatever it is needs to get sorted asap, because the people around me are slowly getting pissed off.

After weeks of thinking around the issue and trying to psychoanalyse myself I realised it stems to one thing. That one fucking thing that had laid slightly dormant for a while before cropping up with a vengance (I am noting a cycle with this).