Clipping My Own Wings

I’ve finally grown into my own and am proud of and love my family and culture. Bragging to others who are unaware of this mysterious world and way of living. But I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot.

At work I lavishly talk about my somewhat traditional, yet lightly infused with western, way of living. But the smiles and pretty picture only lasts at work. At home the mask comes off and I feel drained; but from what? The fake smiles? I can’t work out what I want or what I need to make me happy. I’m a completely different person at work compared to home. Work gets my smiles, laughter and kindness. Home gets my bad moods, hostility and sharp responses.

I’m confused. Why am I being so harsh to my family. I am a miserable, horrible person to my family. But the complete opposite to strangers. Perhaps the supression growing up is causing resentment? All I know is that I don’t treat my family they way I should, but I can’t stop or change it either.

I distance myself from them, am aware of this, but can’t stop it at the same time.

So lost and confused.


I Used To Want This Thing Forever, Y’all Can Have It Back

I’ve been chasing a high-flying job at a Top 5 multi-national firm for 3 years now and a couple of months ago I got it. Hindsite shows me that the constant rejection fuelled me, it was my driver. But it blurred the lines. What I thought my heart wanted was nothing more than a constant focus on the one thing that I couldn’t achieve. My need to prove success created a facade and front that my brain labelled as a Want.  The job was and is the perfect step to the perfect career which would be the perfect goal for the perfect life.  But my heart doesn’t want perfect. It wants simple.

there's no such thing as simple. simple is hard.

I crave simplicity. I crave freedom.

Perfect = Stress

Perfect = High Expectations

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The Selfish Princess

Once upon a time, there was a girl who wanted everything. She wanted it her way and she wanted it now. They called her a drama queen, a bratty princess or a selfish snob. But at times, she found that she didn’t care.

She had a big family, over-protective but very loving. They were looking to go on big family holiday to a beautiful exotic location. The princess was happy, she liked beautiful white sands and azure seas. However the princess soon learned that getting the large royal family together was not always easy. There was more than ten people to consider and thus ten different timetables, schedules and lifestyles to take into account. The royal group consisted of children, teens, young adults, and middle-aged adults. The princess did not care, the only timetable and life-schedule that mattered to her was her own!

princess jasmine

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21st Century Truth

I spend hours looking through Blogs, Tumblr, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. What I find so intriguing is that everyone feels so at ease in revealing their inner most desires and opening up to the world, but we are unable to uphold this truth in real life.

The majority of us desire, want and crave the same things from life. Yet we can’t seem to communicate this face-to-face. We skirt around the issue with our friends and family, perhaps afraid of their reaction. Most of us may spend hours with our friends gossiping about superficial things but then go home and reveal our true inner-selves behind the safety of a computer screen.

I really feel there are many individuals who I follow on Tumblr, Twitter and via Blogs, that I could connect with. That I could be best friends with because their posts speak to me. We seem to be in the same point in our lives. We want the same things. But some, if not most, of these individuals do not act like that in the real world (myself included). The internet and social networks allow us to emphasize, magnify and intensify everything. So something good, will look amazing and perfect – after being sugarcoated and perhaps modified a little to make it sound or look better. Something bad will look worse – after being taken out of context because the individual was angry at the time of posting it. Continue reading

The End of An Era!

Four years later and I have finally completed my University Degree and all my academic education! It’s been difficult at times, but more than worth it. I now have the freedom I so craved all these years, especially in the last few months when exam stress was getting a bit too much. I am now completely responsibility and commitment free and I LOVE it! I am yet to find a job and have nothing pressing in my life at this time.

My canvas is blank and the thought of starting to paint on it is so exciting that I don’t even know where to start. This is my stumbling block, I have so much I think I want to do I just seem to be running around in circles with a paint brush held in the air. So no paint has yet hit the board. 

For the past 2 weeks I have been relaxing a.k.a laying around like a slob not able to get off the sofa, but I am so bored. 

When busy with studies and exams I had a million and one ideas floating around my head, all these little arts and crafts and travels I wanted to do. However now that I have the time to do them, my mind is blank and I can’t bring myself to do anything! What is this?!

The grass sure aint greener on the other side. 

But even if I could get my lazy bum off the ground and moving, I’m limited to what I can do because of the restrictions I have in place. Catch 22. 

Think I need to create a bucket list and just go for it. But guess what, I don’t even know what to put on my bucket list. I wanted this freedom so much but now that I have it, I don’t know what to do with it. Argh, I repeat what is this!?

I’ll Pencil You In

My latest posts have been centred around how trapped and suffocated I have been feeling. So it’s only fitting that my social circle is too busy for me! It’s that time of year where kids are going through exams. All my friends, siblings and cousins are all busy with studying. Except me! I am working this year and I finally have my weekends free (no stupid Saturday job for me)! However it’s just fitting that when these people are not studying they are working part time on the weekends! Just my luck (I seriously need new friends).

So I am bored, I want to go out, I want to have fun, I want to be a fucking kid. It’s so unfair how I am being restricted from every angle in my life!

  • Strict, overprotective parents with old-school views means that my choices and options of what I can do are limited.
  • A restricted social circle limits my options of what, when and with whom I can carry out the list of restricted things I can do.
  • Social/cultural/religious views, morals and rules tie into all the above and again the key word here is RESTRICTION!
Trapped inside your own mind

Trapped inside your own mind

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