I Go Blind And Let The Lord Do His Thing

I’m no longer consistently posting, but that’s because I’m out here living.

Don’t really want to do that usual 2017 new year post thing, but I feel like I need to reflect back on 2016.

Politically the year sucked for the world.

Personally this was a good year for me.

Looking back through my blog I had so much negative anger that I kept hold off. I turned myself into my own biggest problem – that’s a story for another day.

All I want to say for anyone out there who finds themselves relating to my blogs is that it’s ok. I found out that you need to go through the crazy times in order to FIND yourself. You need to hit rock bottom and figure out how to climb back up by YOURSELF. No matter how many people you are surrounded by that love you, it is your personal journal to SELF discovery. If you aren’t the one picking yourself up, then it’s not happening man, you are not living YOUR life. Stop waiting for someone to put out a helping hand, sad truth is that everyone is out here for themselves.

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Not Worthy Enough

My confidence has collapsed again.

It never even grew enough to build a stable, strong foundation. That’s what makes it harder.

I don’t feel worthy. Of anything.

I’m receiving love from my family but don’t feel worthy of it, that’s where the hostility is coming from. I’m on the defensive once again.

It’s time. I need to take the step and find a therapist.

I need to let go of this once and for all.

I can’t keep dragging this weight around anymore. I’m emotionally battered.

I don’t even know why.

End game.

Catch Me Baby, I’m Falling.

I’ve dipped low.

I was riding high for some time and then I fell.

It’s that time again, I’m studying for the next set of exams for my professional qualification alongside working that 9-5. All I know right now is STRESS.

I am so stressed.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’m lashing out.

At this low it feels like Dr.Jekyll never even existed. Mr Hyde is out to play and has no mercy. I’m lashing out at everyone.  I’m lashing out at those who are showing me love, my family. I’m playing victim to those who aren’t. There’s no winning, I’m bowing to defeat and not even trying to fight. I’ve psychoanalysed this moment before it even happened, knew the stress would come and tried to prepare myself for it.

I’ve learnt that no matter how much you prepare for something the reality will still knock you off your feet. I’ve mentally prepared myself so many times for so many things, but it all disappears when push comes to shove. Why is that?

I can’t even sleep. I awoke at 4am with my eyes clenched hard – that’s how I was asleep. I awoke in confusion and my subconscious literally asked “what am I supposed to be doing”. I.e. I felt like i should be doing something productive, IN MY SLEEP! I was genuinely so confused and felt like I needed to change my position or do something. When the fog cleared away I got my answer – I was supposed to be resting my body, that’s what sleep is. I genuinely felt like I should have been doing something in my sleep!!  I can’t explain how profound this little experience was. That’s how i knew this stress was getting too much.

I’m so stuck right now, the fear of failure is taking over my life. I can’t do this anymore.

It’s so hard.

Clipping My Own Wings

I’ve finally grown into my own and am proud of and love my family and culture. Bragging to others who are unaware of this mysterious world and way of living. But I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot.

At work I lavishly talk about my somewhat traditional, yet lightly infused with western, way of living. But the smiles and pretty picture only lasts at work. At home the mask comes off and I feel drained; but from what? The fake smiles? I can’t work out what I want or what I need to make me happy. I’m a completely different person at work compared to home. Work gets my smiles, laughter and kindness. Home gets my bad moods, hostility and sharp responses.

I’m confused. Why am I being so harsh to my family. I am a miserable, horrible person to my family. But the complete opposite to strangers. Perhaps the supression growing up is causing resentment? All I know is that I don’t treat my family they way I should, but I can’t stop or change it either.

I distance myself from them, am aware of this, but can’t stop it at the same time.

So lost and confused.

Sikhism

Never before seen footage from Sri Harmandir Sahib, The Sikh Golden Temple. These people are truly devoted, I can only hope that I reach this level of devotion and selfless service one day.

Born because of the karma of their past mistakes, they make more mistakes, and fall into mistakes. ~ Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji

The servant carries the bags of money on his head, but it goes to his master’s house, and he receives only pain. The man sits as a king in his dreams, but when he opens his eyes, he sees that it was all in vain. ~ Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji

Funny Isn’t It….

Covering up is frowned upon and considered ‘prudish, boring and constrictive’. Walking around half-naked is ‘fun, hot but slutty’. When did protecting ones dignity become a ‘bad-thing’.

covering up vs nakedThe media is such a brainwashing phenomena that we have become confused between what is real or fake and what is right or wrong. Turn on the news today and all you see and hear is the Muslim religion slandered daily….in a politically correct manner of course! Continue reading