Let It Go

I feel like I need to write this, and let it go once and for all.

My best friend was my cousin (I wrote about our relationship here).

Growing up I wore my heart on my sleeve, I was so open, so bubbly, no filter between my brain and my mouth. You got what you saw with me.

But then I started noticing that whilst the everyone new exactly who I was, I didn’t really know my closest best-friend. She was so closed off, having trust issues. Later on I learnt that her parents were having marriage problems, and were to divorce. This was never openly discussed in our family and to-date still has never openly been said. It’s just brushed under the carpet and not questioned by us kids because we never really saw her dad anyway, so his absence is not unusual. Point is, to-date she has never once mentioned this whole saga to me, or even indicated that it’s happened.

So I found that so weird. There I stood openly telling her everything about our household, my secrets, my feelings, and not thinking anything weird with being so forthcoming, but something as big as her parents divorcing and she never uttered a word to me. The lack of trust on her part was part of the turning events for me when I changed into into this bitter person that you have seen vent on this blog.

I thought she was so cool, so mysterious being that closed off. I felt that being so open as I was, was considered uncool. So based on the hurt I was feeling from the lack of trust she had in me and a bunch of other stuff happening in my life at the point, I decided I needed to close myself off.

I created the same monster that I am today trying to defeat.

A Letter To My (Ex) Best-Friend

You know we’ve been distant, and a few months back you asked me why. It simply made me laugh. You’ve been distant towards me for a long time, but now that I return the favour you only notice my fault in it. I guess your distance is where it all began.

We’re cousins, only a year apart, and we literally grew up together. Attending high-school together with the same group of friends only made us closer, sisters. But I feel like this was one-sided. I doted on you, I looked up to you, I followed you around, I copied the things that you did and I’m sorry that it annoyed you.

I was very insecure, you knew this and you were a good friend because you listened to my endless problems, my worries, my upsets, my everything basically. I told you it all, I told you too much. But you weren’t always gracious, I could see you get annoyed, see you zone out, see the dazed look in your eyes thinking ‘here she goes again’. But I don’t blame you for that, a person can only put up with so much. So for that I am truly sorry.

But you weren’t all perfect either. There were 3 things you did in high-school which hurt me the most.

I’ll Pencil You In

My latest posts have been centred around how trapped and suffocated I have been feeling. So it’s only fitting that my social circle is too busy for me! It’s that time of year where kids are going through exams. All my friends, siblings and cousins are all busy with studying. Except me! I am working this year and I finally have my weekends free (no stupid Saturday job for me)! However it’s just fitting that when these people are not studying they are working part time on the weekends! Just my luck (I seriously need new friends).

So I am bored, I want to go out, I want to have fun, I want to be a fucking kid. It’s so unfair how I am being restricted from every angle in my life!

• Strict, overprotective parents with old-school views means that my choices and options of what I can do are limited.
• A restricted social circle limits my options of what, when and with whom I can carry out the list of restricted things I can do.
• Social/cultural/religious views, morals and rules tie into all the above and again the key word here is RESTRICTION!

Trapped inside your own mind

One Step Forward and Ten Steps Backward

You hear about people being closed off, being emotionally inept and having difficulty letting people in. These individuals try to get as much help as they can to break down their walls and come to terms with their distrust in others and their vulnerable natures. These people are trying to step forward.

So why the fuck would anyone consider stepping back?

Why would someone try to close themselves off, try to hide their soul/nature/character? Why would someone try to distance themselves from their friends and family and become an empty shell?

Because that’s what I’m doing. I’m stepping back, undoing all the hard-work that a human being does during their lifetime. Our lives are spent stepping forward, opening ourselves up and letting people in to share our experiences with.

Someone please tell me why I am closing the doors, why I am trying so hard to portray myself as an empty shell?

Recently, after divulging small innocent comments about who I am as a person and what I want, I have noticed a pattern of self-punishment for doing so. I’m am not harming myself in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense by constantly scolding myself in the privacy of my mental thoughts. By making myself feel bad for opening up that minuscule amount.