Let It Go

I feel like I need to write this, and let it go once and for all.

My best friend was my cousin (I wrote about our relationship here).

Growing up I wore my heart on my sleeve, I was so open, so bubbly, no filter between my brain and my mouth. You got what you saw with me.

But then I started noticing that whilst the everyone new exactly who I was, I didn’t really know my closest best-friend. She was so closed off, having trust issues. Later on I learnt that her parents were having marriage problems, and were to divorce. This was never openly discussed in our family and to-date still has never openly been said. It’s just brushed under the carpet and not questioned by us kids because we never really saw her dad anyway, so his absence is not unusual. Point is, to-date she has never once mentioned this whole saga to me, or even indicated that it’s happened.

So I found that so weird. There I stood openly telling her everything about our household, my secrets, my feelings, and not thinking anything weird with being so forthcoming, but something as big as her parents divorcing and she never uttered a word to me. The lack of trust on her part was part of the turning events for me when I changed into into this bitter person that you have seen vent on this blog.

I thought she was so cool, so mysterious being that closed off. I felt that being so open as I was, was considered uncool. So based on the hurt I was feeling from the lack of trust she had in me and a bunch of other stuff happening in my life at the point, I decided I needed to close myself off.

I created the same monster that I am today trying to defeat.

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A Letter To My (Ex) Best-Friend

You know we’ve been distant, and a few months back you asked me why. It simply made me laugh. You’ve been distant towards me for a long time, but now that I return the favour you only notice my fault in it. I guess your distance is where it all began.

We’re cousins, only a year apart, and we literally grew up together. Attending high-school together with the same group of friends only made us closer, sisters. But I feel like this was one-sided. I doted on you, I looked up to you, I followed you around, I copied the things that you did and I’m sorry that it annoyed you.

sisters friends holding hands

I was very insecure, you knew this and you were a good friend because you listened to my endless problems, my worries, my upsets, my everything basically. I told you it all, I told you too much. But you weren’t always gracious, I could see you get annoyed, see you zone out, see the dazed look in your eyes thinking ‘here she goes again’. But I don’t blame you for that, a person can only put up with so much. So for that I am truly sorry.

But you weren’t all perfect either. There were 3 things you did in high-school which hurt me the most. Continue reading