Let It Go

I feel like I need to write this, and let it go once and for all.

My best friend was my cousin (I wrote about our relationship here).

Growing up I wore my heart on my sleeve, I was so open, so bubbly, no filter between my brain and my mouth. You got what you saw with me.

But then I started noticing that whilst the everyone new exactly who I was, I didn’t really know my closest best-friend. She was so closed off, having trust issues. Later on I learnt that her parents were having marriage problems, and were to divorce. This was never openly discussed in our family and to-date still has never openly been said. It’s just brushed under the carpet and not questioned by us kids because we never really saw her dad anyway, so his absence is not unusual. Point is, to-date she has never once mentioned this whole saga to me, or even indicated that it’s happened.

So I found that so weird. There I stood openly telling her everything about our household, my secrets, my feelings, and not thinking anything weird with being so forthcoming, but something as big as her parents divorcing and she never uttered a word to me. The lack of trust on her part was part of the turning events for me when I changed into into this bitter person that you have seen vent on this blog.

I thought she was so cool, so mysterious being that closed off. I felt that being so open as I was, was considered uncool. So based on the hurt I was feeling from the lack of trust she had in me and a bunch of other stuff happening in my life at the point, I decided I needed to close myself off.

I created the same monster that I am today trying to defeat.

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One Step Forward and Ten Steps Backward

You hear about people being closed off, being emotionally inept and having difficulty letting people in. These individuals try to get as much help as they can to break down their walls and come to terms with their distrust in others and their vulnerable natures. These people are trying to step forward.

So why the fuck would anyone consider stepping back?

Why would someone try to close themselves off, try to hide their soul/nature/character? Why would someone try to distance themselves from their friends and family and become an empty shell?

Because that’s what I’m doing. I’m stepping back, undoing all the hard-work that a human being does during their lifetime. Our lives are spent stepping forward, opening ourselves up and letting people in to share our experiences with.

Someone please tell me why I am closing the doors, why I am trying so hard to portray myself as an empty shell?

Recently, after divulging small innocent comments about who I am as a person and what I want, I have noticed a pattern of self-punishment for doing so. I’m am not harming myself in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense by constantly scolding myself in the privacy of my mental thoughts. By making myself feel bad for opening up that minuscule amount.

i blame myself for everything

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