I’ve been chasing a high-flying job at a Top 5 multi-national firm for 3 years now and a couple of months ago I got it. Hindsite shows me that the constant rejection fuelled me, it was my driver. But it blurred the lines. What I thought my heart wanted was nothing more than a constant focus on the one thing that I couldn’t achieve. My need to prove success created a facade and front that my brain labelled as a Want. The job was and is the perfect step to the perfect career which would be the perfect goal for the perfect life. But my heart doesn’t want perfect. It wants simple.
My manager at work who is more like a friend and co-worker made me cry today. But in a good way.
Whilst discussing my progress she noticed an increase in my confidence levels in comparison to when I first started. I made a slight comment on how my strategy was to ‘fake it until I make it’ on the confidence front. This surprised her and she subtly asked around the issue, managing to get me to open up more and explain more about my insecurities. But even though I couldn’t voice them myself she was able to fill in the blanks and made a few comments that hit the nail on the head.
She asked why I felt so insecure and paranoid around others. Did I feel like they would think I wasn’t good looking, that I talked weird, that I dressed weird, that I wasn’t good enough? All these points hit home and I just felt a tear drop roll down my cheek. Then she started complimenting me, saying I was beautiful, smart, charming, bubbly etc. I stopped her, telling her that such words meant nothing when I just honestly and quite simply didn’t believe them. I told her how I felt like people just said that to me to be nice. But the fact that she could see through me just opened me up and had the hurt spilling over. I cried some more and she did the sweetest thing ever. She hugged me and kissed my hair and was just there for me.
We are born curious, loving creatures with boundless amounts of energy and spirit. But too many of us become shells of ourselves, our energy lost and spirit dead in our eyes.
I came across this picture below and it spoke volumes to me.
What happened? Who or what kills the soul? Is life not supposed to be a loving experience where humans encourage and support their fellow companions. Instead I feel as if those around us are more responsible for killing our humanity than not, either directly or indirectly.
Where does all that life go? The following scenarios and examples come to mind as answer to this.