One Step Forward and Ten Steps Backward

You hear about people being closed off, being emotionally inept and having difficulty letting people in. These individuals try to get as much help as they can to break down their walls and come to terms with their distrust in others and their vulnerable natures. These people are trying to step forward.

So why the fuck would anyone consider stepping back?

Why would someone try to close themselves off, try to hide their soul/nature/character? Why would someone try to distance themselves from their friends and family and become an empty shell?

Because that’s what I’m doing. I’m stepping back, undoing all the hard-work that a human being does during their lifetime. Our lives are spent stepping forward, opening ourselves up and letting people in to share our experiences with.

Someone please tell me why I am closing the doors, why I am trying so hard to portray myself as an empty shell?

Recently, after divulging small innocent comments about who I am as a person and what I want, I have noticed a pattern of self-punishment for doing so. I’m am not harming myself in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense by constantly scolding myself in the privacy of my mental thoughts. By making myself feel bad for opening up that minuscule amount.

i blame myself for everything

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