It’s that time again, I’m studying for the next set of exams for my professional qualification alongside working that 9-5. All I know right now is STRESS.
I am so stressed.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
I’m lashing out.
At this low it feels like Dr.Jekyll never even existed. Mr Hyde is out to play and has no mercy. I’m lashing out at everyone. I’m lashing out at those who are showing me love, my family. I’m playing victim to those who aren’t. There’s no winning, I’m bowing to defeat and not even trying to fight. I’ve psychoanalysed this moment before it even happened, knew the stress would come and tried to prepare myself for it.
I’ve learnt that no matter how much you prepare for something the reality will still knock you off your feet. I’ve mentally prepared myself so many times for so many things, but it all disappears when push comes to shove. Why is that?
I can’t even sleep. I awoke at 4am with my eyes clenched hard – that’s how I was asleep. I awoke in confusion and my subconscious literally asked “what am I supposed to be doing”. I.e. I felt like i should be doing something productive, IN MY SLEEP! I was genuinely so confused and felt like I needed to change my position or do something. When the fog cleared away I got my answer – I was supposed to be resting my body, that’s what sleep is. I genuinely felt like I should have been doing something in my sleep!! I can’t explain how profound this little experience was. That’s how i knew this stress was getting too much.
I’m so stuck right now, the fear of failure is taking over my life. I can’t do this anymore.
My manager at work who is more like a friend and co-worker made me cry today. But in a good way.
Whilst discussing my progress she noticed an increase in my confidence levels in comparison to when I first started. I made a slight comment on how my strategy was to ‘fake it until I make it’ on the confidence front. This surprised her and she subtly asked around the issue, managing to get me to open up more and explain more about my insecurities. But even though I couldn’t voice them myself she was able to fill in the blanks and made a few comments that hit the nail on the head.
She asked why I felt so insecure and paranoid around others. Did I feel like they would think I wasn’t good looking, that I talked weird, that I dressed weird, that I wasn’t good enough? All these points hit home and I just felt a tear drop roll down my cheek. Then she started complimenting me, saying I was beautiful, smart, charming, bubbly etc. I stopped her, telling her that such words meant nothing when I just honestly and quite simply didn’t believe them. I told her how I felt like people just said that to me to be nice. But the fact that she could see through me just opened me up and had the hurt spilling over. I cried some more and she did the sweetest thing ever. She hugged me and kissed my hair and was just there for me.
I need to fit into my graduation dress in 3 days time. So I’m taking drastic measures. I’m taking a plunge and using those taboo ‘slimming/diet pills’.
Now I don’t usually condone this, and think people who take them are silly, because ‘quick fixes’ usually cause more problems than fixes! But my diet plans 3/4 months prior went down the drain. I couldn’t practice self-control and now I’m desperate.
I am writing this because I usually scour the internet for reviews on products and wish to return the favour for those who may be interested in such a thing.
Before I go on please note:
I’m not stupid, I am only taking these pills for 4 days and no longer, no matter how much I may want to.
I’m only doing this as a one-off.
I have done a bit of research, read the reviews and have made an informed decision to try it.
The ONLY reason I am doing it is because I already have the pills on hand. I was cleaning out the cupboards yesterday (I NEVER clean), and found the pills (must belong to someone in the family). So this must be a sign!
Again this is a one-off and I am not planning on using these long-term.
I’m not taking the full dose (2 tablets), I am only taking 1 tablet a day.
I know that once I stop I will most probably put back on any weight lost. So again, I am going into this with my eyes wide open, with a view to lose as much weight as I can JUST for my graduation day.