Let It Go

I feel like I need to write this, and let it go once and for all.

My best friend was my cousin (I wrote about our relationship here).

Growing up I wore my heart on my sleeve, I was so open, so bubbly, no filter between my brain and my mouth. You got what you saw with me.

But then I started noticing that whilst the everyone new exactly who I was, I didn’t really know my closest best-friend. She was so closed off, having trust issues. Later on I learnt that her parents were having marriage problems, and were to divorce. This was never openly discussed in our family and to-date still has never openly been said. It’s just brushed under the carpet and not questioned by us kids because we never really saw her dad anyway, so his absence is not unusual. Point is, to-date she has never once mentioned this whole saga to me, or even indicated that it’s happened.

So I found that so weird. There I stood openly telling her everything about our household, my secrets, my feelings, and not thinking anything weird with being so forthcoming, but something as big as her parents divorcing and she never uttered a word to me. The lack of trust on her part was part of the turning events for me when I changed into into this bitter person that you have seen vent on this blog.

I thought she was so cool, so mysterious being that closed off. I felt that being so open as I was, was considered uncool. So based on the hurt I was feeling from the lack of trust she had in me and a bunch of other stuff happening in my life at the point, I decided I needed to close myself off.

I created the same monster that I am today trying to defeat.

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I Go Blind And Let The Lord Do His Thing

I’m no longer consistently posting, but that’s because I’m out here living.

Don’t really want to do that usual 2017 new year post thing, but I feel like I need to reflect back on 2016.

Politically the year sucked for the world.

Personally this was a good year for me.

Looking back through my blog I had so much negative anger that I kept hold off. I turned myself into my own biggest problem – that’s a story for another day.

All I want to say for anyone out there who finds themselves relating to my blogs is that it’s ok. I found out that you need to go through the crazy times in order to FIND yourself. You need to hit rock bottom and figure out how to climb back up by YOURSELF. No matter how many people you are surrounded by that love you, it is your personal journal to SELF discovery. If you aren’t the one picking yourself up, then it’s not happening man, you are not living YOUR life. Stop waiting for someone to put out a helping hand, sad truth is that everyone is out here for themselves.

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Climbing Off My High Horse

I’ve flicked through my blog and realised a lot of my posts originate from a righteous attitude and a deeply instilled sense of anger. I’ve been busy living life this past year and its been messy, hurtful but fun. I’ve learnt a lot of lessons, the key one being that you need to speak. I’m a quiet individual, always sitting in the background letting everyone else dull my shine. But that’s my own fault. If I want something I need to speak up. If I don’t like something I need to speak up and communicate my feelings. I’m simply so used to keeping my mouth shut its just become a habit.

My posts are very black and white, and that’s because I feel that people should just do something or not. Simple yes or no. But having lived life this past year and stepping outside my comfort zone I realise that life is colourful. Messy as hell but colourful. There is no black and white and that’s the problem. It’s easy to sit behind a keyboard, shut out the world and voice your angry thoughts and opinions, but it’s just so draining. Getting out there and doing is so much more fun.

As always my posts don’t make much sense, but I just had this surging need to come onto here and write this. If you can figure out what the rambling above means then please let me know, because I haven’t a bloody clue.

Happy New Year 🙂

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Rupi Kaur – Milk and Honey

La La La…Got My Ipod Stuck On Replay

Think back to your teenage years, what vision or memory sums it all up for you?

For me it’s simply laying in my bed, shutting out the world and listening to my music. Oh sweet lord. Just laying in bed, tuning out everything and drowning in my music was basically me as a teenager. It was the best. The memory alone fills me with a warm glow. I just loved it. Each and every lyric meant something to me. The lyrics would express words for me when I was unable to, the rhythm and melodies were the lights in my life. Music was the only thing that was a calm constant in my life, it was the only thing that was ever able to cool my anger and lift me up.

teenage bedroom music

Yesterday I relived this after years. I hadn’t realised that I had lost this small pleasure until I found myself engrossed in beat of the tune whilst snuggled up all warm and comfy under my duvet. Wow. That felt really good. I haven’t really had a quiet, relaxing moment to myself over this past year, so I found myself truly appreciating this simple pleasure.

What happy memory do your teenage years bring back? Have you had a chance to re-live it? If so does it still feel as good as it did back then?

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain – Bob Marley

21st Century Truth

I spend hours looking through Blogs, Tumblr, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. What I find so intriguing is that everyone feels so at ease in revealing their inner most desires and opening up to the world, but we are unable to uphold this truth in real life.

The majority of us desire, want and crave the same things from life. Yet we can’t seem to communicate this face-to-face. We skirt around the issue with our friends and family, perhaps afraid of their reaction. Most of us may spend hours with our friends gossiping about superficial things but then go home and reveal our true inner-selves behind the safety of a computer screen.

I really feel there are many individuals who I follow on Tumblr, Twitter and via Blogs, that I could connect with. That I could be best friends with because their posts speak to me. We seem to be in the same point in our lives. We want the same things. But some, if not most, of these individuals do not act like that in the real world (myself included). The internet and social networks allow us to emphasize, magnify and intensify everything. So something good, will look amazing and perfect – after being sugarcoated and perhaps modified a little to make it sound or look better. Something bad will look worse – after being taken out of context because the individual was angry at the time of posting it. Continue reading

Priorities

SON: “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?”
SON: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?”
SON: “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “If you must know, I make $100 an hour.”
SON: “Oh! (With his head down).
SON: “Daddy, may I please borrow $50?”
The father was furious.
DAD: “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

Family love

DAD: “Are you asleep, son?”

SON: “No daddy, I’m awake”. Continue reading