Will You Hold My Hand, Please?

I’m seeking a husband.

But I’ve never had a date. I’m 24.

It’s a little different in my culture, we’re not supposed to date around in order to avoid temptation as we are to enter marriage as virgins.

Can you imagine how difficult it is to be 24 and never have been in a relationship. I am craving male companionship and physical contact, not necessarily sex, but simply holding hands and having someone to hug. Try going that long without that physical human contact, it gets quite lonely.

I have informed my family that I am ready for marriage and they have started ‘the search’. This involves them asking friends and family in our community of any suitable matches. It’s basically old-school match-making. Word spreads and you end up marrying your Gran’s-sisters-husbands-brothers-sons-cousins-friends-uncles-son.

It’s an arranged marriage which isn’t so much arranged. My family are the matchmakers who introduce potentials and we both will meet and chat and decide if we would like to get to know each other, but you do so with a marriage in view (average engagement is around 1-2years). During the time that you ‘date’ you are essentially wedding planing, which may seem odd to those from the Western world.

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Clipping My Own Wings

I’ve finally grown into my own and am proud of and love my family and culture. Bragging to others who are unaware of this mysterious world and way of living. But I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot.

At work I lavishly talk about my somewhat traditional, yet lightly infused with western, way of living. But the smiles and pretty picture only lasts at work. At home the mask comes off and I feel drained; but from what? The fake smiles? I can’t work out what I want or what I need to make me happy. I’m a completely different person at work compared to home. Work gets my smiles, laughter and kindness. Home gets my bad moods, hostility and sharp responses.

I’m confused. Why am I being so harsh to my family. I am a miserable, horrible person to my family. But the complete opposite to strangers. Perhaps the supression growing up is causing resentment? All I know is that I don’t treat my family they way I should, but I can’t stop or change it either.

I distance myself from them, am aware of this, but can’t stop it at the same time.

So lost and confused.

I Used To Want This Thing Forever, Y’all Can Have It Back

I’ve been chasing a high-flying job at a Top 5 multi-national firm for 3 years now and a couple of months ago I got it. Hindsite shows me that the constant rejection fuelled me, it was my driver. But it blurred the lines. What I thought my heart wanted was nothing more than a constant focus on the one thing that I couldn’t achieve. My need to prove success created a facade and front that my brain labelled as a Want.  The job was and is the perfect step to the perfect career which would be the perfect goal for the perfect life.  But my heart doesn’t want perfect. It wants simple.

there's no such thing as simple. simple is hard.

I crave simplicity. I crave freedom.

Perfect = Stress

Perfect = High Expectations

Perfect = On the ball 247 Continue reading

The End of An Era!

Four years later and I have finally completed my University Degree and all my academic education! It’s been difficult at times, but more than worth it. I now have the freedom I so craved all these years, especially in the last few months when exam stress was getting a bit too much. I am now completely responsibility and commitment free and I LOVE it! I am yet to find a job and have nothing pressing in my life at this time.

My canvas is blank and the thought of starting to paint on it is so exciting that I don’t even know where to start. This is my stumbling block, I have so much I think I want to do I just seem to be running around in circles with a paint brush held in the air. So no paint has yet hit the board. 

For the past 2 weeks I have been relaxing a.k.a laying around like a slob not able to get off the sofa, but I am so bored. 

When busy with studies and exams I had a million and one ideas floating around my head, all these little arts and crafts and travels I wanted to do. However now that I have the time to do them, my mind is blank and I can’t bring myself to do anything! What is this?!

The grass sure aint greener on the other side. 

But even if I could get my lazy bum off the ground and moving, I’m limited to what I can do because of the restrictions I have in place. Catch 22. 

Think I need to create a bucket list and just go for it. But guess what, I don’t even know what to put on my bucket list. I wanted this freedom so much but now that I have it, I don’t know what to do with it. Argh, I repeat what is this!?