My First Date

I finally took life into my own hands and took the plunge.

Been following this guy on Instagram with an amazing physique and personality. He was way of out my league, but I still sent him a message. Imagine my surprise when he responded and we got talking.

“Want to grab a bite to eat or some coffee?”

I was jumping up and down and panicking at the same time. I have never done something like this before but my goodness did I want to.

This guy was built like a God, had a beard (swoon), amazing personality, was my religion and seemed like a genuinely cool person.

So what gave me the guts to contact this Adonis? His account mentioned depression and social anxiety.┬áIf you saw what he looked like you wouldn’t believe it either.

Fast forward. We met up for coffee at Starbucks. I was super shy and nervous at first but the thought of his social anxiety put me at ease.

He was pretty easy to talk to. There was a lot of question asking as this was our first meet, and we talked for 2hours!

I was so physically attracted to this guy, he had a sexy deep voice, gorgeous light grey eyes, amazing personality and to top it off he was so humble. What are the odds. Seriously?

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Will You Hold My Hand, Please?

I’m seeking a husband.

But I’ve never had a date. I’m 24.

It’s a little different in my culture, we’re not supposed to date around in order to avoid temptation as we are to enter marriage as virgins.

Can you imagine how difficult it is to be 24 and never have been in a relationship. I am craving male companionship and physical contact, not necessarily sex, but simply holding hands and having someone to hug. Try going that long without that physical human contact, it gets quite lonely.

I have informed my family that I am ready for marriage and they have started ‘the search’. This involves them asking friends and family in our community of any suitable matches. It’s basically old-school match-making. Word spreads and you end up marrying your Gran’s-sisters-husbands-brothers-sons-cousins-friends-uncles-son.

It’s an arranged marriage which isn’t so much arranged. My family are the matchmakers who introduce potentials and we both will meet and chat and decide if we would like to get to know each other, but you do so with a marriage in view (average engagement is around 1-2years). During the time that you ‘date’ you are essentially wedding planing, which may seem odd to those from the Western world.

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Let It Go

I feel like I need to write this, and let it go once and for all.

My best friend was my cousin (I wrote about our relationship here).

Growing up I wore my heart on my sleeve, I was so open, so bubbly, no filter between my brain and my mouth. You got what you saw with me.

But then I started noticing that whilst the everyone new exactly who I was, I didn’t really know my closest best-friend. She was so closed off, having trust issues. Later on I learnt that her parents were having marriage problems, and were to divorce. This was never openly discussed in our family and to-date still has never openly been said. It’s just brushed under the carpet and not questioned by us kids because we never really saw her dad anyway, so his absence is not unusual. Point is, to-date she has never once mentioned this whole saga to me, or even indicated that it’s happened.

So I found that so weird. There I stood openly telling her everything about our household, my secrets, my feelings, and not thinking anything weird with being so forthcoming, but something as big as her parents divorcing and she never uttered a word to me. The lack of trust on her part was part of the turning events for me when I changed into into this bitter person that you have seen vent on this blog.

I thought she was so cool, so mysterious being that closed off. I felt that being so open as I was, was considered uncool. So based on the hurt I was feeling from the lack of trust she had in me and a bunch of other stuff happening in my life at the point, I decided I needed to close myself off.

I created the same monster that I am today trying to defeat.

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I Go Blind And Let The Lord Do His Thing

I’m no longer consistently posting, but that’s because I’m out here living.

Don’t really want to do that usual 2017 new year post thing, but I feel like I need to reflect back on 2016.

Politically the year sucked for the world.

Personally this was a good year for me.

Looking back through my blog I had so much negative anger that I kept hold off. I turned myself into my own biggest problem – that’s a story for another day.

All I want to say for anyone out there who finds themselves relating to my blogs is that it’s ok. I found out that you need to go through the crazy times in order to FIND yourself. You need to hit rock bottom and figure out how to climb back up by YOURSELF. No matter how many people you are surrounded by that love you, it is your personal journal to SELF discovery. If you aren’t the one picking yourself up, then it’s not happening man, you are not living YOUR life. Stop waiting for someone to put out a helping hand, sad truth is that everyone is out here for themselves.

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The West Is Sleeping. The East Is Dying.

But God is watching. Karma is keeping track. Keeping all notches neatly wracked.

I’m sick with disgust.

My mind is boggled. Stunned.

When did we become so selfish. So heartless.

I see Humans, no Humanity.

We picked faceless cowards to organise society.

These motherfuckers sit at the top on their thrones making bullshit decisions which destroy the lives of the innocent.

They surround themselves and their families with the most technologically complex security. Protected in their gilded cages. But are happy for barefoot, baby faced children in Syria to stare into the barrel of a gun.

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Meanwhile the rest of the world search for Pokemon. I don’t want to live on this Earth any more. Omran Daqneesh. Russian Airstrike on Syria. Another War Casualty.

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I See Humans, No Humanity.

 

 

 

Omran Daqneesh.

5 years old.

Chubby arms and legs. Cute angel face. Floppy Hair. Baby round belly.

Cuts and bruises.

Blood and dust.

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Not Worthy Enough

My confidence has collapsed again.

It never even grew enough to build a stable, strong foundation. That’s what makes it harder.

I don’t feel worthy. Of anything.

I’m receiving love from my family but don’t feel worthy of it, that’s where the hostility is coming from. I’m on the defensive once again.

It’s time. I need to take the step and find a therapist.

I need to let go of this once and for all.

I can’t keep dragging this weight around anymore. I’m emotionally battered.

I don’t even know why.

End game.