I feel like I need to write this, and let it go once and for all.
My best friend was my cousin (I wrote about our relationship here).
Growing up I wore my heart on my sleeve, I was so open, so bubbly, no filter between my brain and my mouth. You got what you saw with me.
But then I started noticing that whilst the everyone new exactly who I was, I didn’t really know my closest best-friend. She was so closed off, having trust issues. Later on I learnt that her parents were having marriage problems, and were to divorce. This was never openly discussed in our family and to-date still has never openly been said. It’s just brushed under the carpet and not questioned by us kids because we never really saw her dad anyway, so his absence is not unusual. Point is, to-date she has never once mentioned this whole saga to me, or even indicated that it’s happened.
So I found that so weird. There I stood openly telling her everything about our household, my secrets, my feelings, and not thinking anything weird with being so forthcoming, but something as big as her parents divorcing and she never uttered a word to me. The lack of trust on her part was part of the turning events for me when I changed into into this bitter person that you have seen vent on this blog.
I thought she was so cool, so mysterious being that closed off. I felt that being so open as I was, was considered uncool. So based on the hurt I was feeling from the lack of trust she had in me and a bunch of other stuff happening in my life at the point, I decided I needed to close myself off.
I created the same monster that I am today trying to defeat.
How crazy is that.
I basically cut open the wound, and then have spent the past 4-5 years trying to close it! Talk about self-harm.
I convinced myself that her closed off persona was so cool, sexy, mysterious and appealing. I thought that’s what the opposite sex would like, not the bumbling idiot who wore her heart on her sleeve and reacted to everything around her.
I didn’t actually realise it at the time. When I was consciously trying to make an effort to become closed-off, I didn’t notice it happening. I actually remember thinking I wouldn’t be able to be like my best friend, and that my personality was just too different to allow it to happen. Obviously overtime it happened, I just didn’t notice the process, but my goodness I noticed the result.
I had finally become this cold, closed-off bitch who just angry at the world. I would wear my stoic face-mask around my family and friends, and just became so cold. I remember my family thinking it was a teenage mood, but it was more than that. I had taken the hurt and manifested it into something so much bigger. My goodness I held onto that burning coal and haven’t been able to let it go since.
This is why I had to write this. The reality of this whole thing is ridiculous, I turned myself into the worst form of myself, because I wanted to be like her. All I had actually done is shot myself in the foot.
She has her own issues, and is still very private and closed-off. But I have now realised that the world needs open, bubbly, loving people. Not more bitches!
I was that open, heart-on-sleeve, sweetheart and I turned myself cold!
Now I am trying to undo everything that I have done to myself, this would be too funny if it wasn’t so sad.
I went to Canada to visit family two months ago and you wouldn’t believe how stunned I was to meet normal, open, happy, friendly, chatty people! I don’t know if the English People are just so conservative and closed-off, or if it’s just those around me. But my cousins and family in Canada were so chatty, so open, sharing personal stories that I know people in the UK wouldn’t share at our first meet. Being around these ‘normal’ people really opened my eyes and made me realise that it’s ok to wear your heart on your sleeve and just say what you want to say.
It’s ok to be you, and not worry about other people’s opinions. It was at that point that I realised I was an idiot for changing myself so dramatically. For becoming so defensive that I cut off my personality.
Now is the time for me to reclaim that little girl who simply wanted love, and was happy to give out love. As for my cousin, we see each other all time at family gatherings and we chat normally. We will never be the same and have the same close relation but that’s ok. I’ve also realised that if she wants to be private, that’s her life. But for me to ruin mine because of some silly hurt that I held onto is just trivial, and really is the equivalent of cutting off my nose to spite my face.
I just really wanted to write this because the fact that I realised being open is a key to me being happy is just such a profound eureka moment for me. So simple, yet such a big thing.