My First Date

I finally took life into my own hands and took the plunge.

Been following this guy on Instagram with an amazing physique and personality. He was way of out my league, but I still sent him a message. Imagine my surprise when he responded and we got talking.

“Want to grab a bite to eat or some coffee?”

I was jumping up and down and panicking at the same time. I have never done something like this before but my goodness did I want to.

This guy was built like a God, had a beard (swoon), amazing personality, was my religion and seemed like a genuinely cool person.

So what gave me the guts to contact this Adonis? His account mentioned depression and social anxiety. If you saw what he looked like you wouldn’t believe it either.

Fast forward. We met up for coffee at Starbucks. I was super shy and nervous at first but the thought of his social anxiety put me at ease.

He was pretty easy to talk to. There was a lot of question asking as this was our first meet, and we talked for 2hours!

I was so physically attracted to this guy, he had a sexy deep voice, gorgeous light grey eyes, amazing personality and to top it off he was so humble. What are the odds. Seriously?

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Not Worthy Enough

My confidence has collapsed again.

It never even grew enough to build a stable, strong foundation. That’s what makes it harder.

I don’t feel worthy. Of anything.

I’m receiving love from my family but don’t feel worthy of it, that’s where the hostility is coming from. I’m on the defensive once again.

It’s time. I need to take the step and find a therapist.

I need to let go of this once and for all.

I can’t keep dragging this weight around anymore. I’m emotionally battered.

I don’t even know why.

End game.

La La La…Got My Ipod Stuck On Replay

Think back to your teenage years, what vision or memory sums it all up for you?

For me it’s simply laying in my bed, shutting out the world and listening to my music. Oh sweet lord. Just laying in bed, tuning out everything and drowning in my music was basically me as a teenager. It was the best. The memory alone fills me with a warm glow. I just loved it. Each and every lyric meant something to me. The lyrics would express words for me when I was unable to, the rhythm and melodies were the lights in my life. Music was the only thing that was a calm constant in my life, it was the only thing that was ever able to cool my anger and lift me up.

teenage bedroom music

Yesterday I relived this after years. I hadn’t realised that I had lost this small pleasure until I found myself engrossed in beat of the tune whilst snuggled up all warm and comfy under my duvet. Wow. That felt really good. I haven’t really had a quiet, relaxing moment to myself over this past year, so I found myself truly appreciating this simple pleasure.

What happy memory do your teenage years bring back? Have you had a chance to re-live it? If so does it still feel as good as it did back then?

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain – Bob Marley

They Make Us To Break Us

You see this way too often, a teenager or adult commits suicide and only then does society acknowledge them. They then get the attention they needed and craved when the news article publishes their story. Too little too late. Society breaks people down by ridiculing every decision they make. They create a vulnerable and broken shell of what that person once was. Then they load the gun and hand it over. Of course they don’t pull the trigger, they couldn’t possibly be caught with blood on their hands. Just like a clever convict they play the character of a shocked mourner well.  Who ever suspects the guy standing at the front crying at the funeral?

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It Wasn’t Me…..

…..It was the hormones!

My blog may seemingly provide evidence of me being an emotionally unstable individidual. I go through crazy cycles of emotions where I almost borderline depression, and then counteract these with flashes of delirious happiness (usually due to specific good news or events).

However over the past 4 months I haven’t been sad, moody, angry or crazy happy. I have been riding a fairly gentle wave where nothing has phased or affected me much. Now this may be due to many different circumstances, including the fact there may be an absence of trigger events, but I place this platonic and neutral demeanour down to one thing:

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One Step Forward and Ten Steps Backward

You hear about people being closed off, being emotionally inept and having difficulty letting people in. These individuals try to get as much help as they can to break down their walls and come to terms with their distrust in others and their vulnerable natures. These people are trying to step forward.

So why the fuck would anyone consider stepping back?

Why would someone try to close themselves off, try to hide their soul/nature/character? Why would someone try to distance themselves from their friends and family and become an empty shell?

Because that’s what I’m doing. I’m stepping back, undoing all the hard-work that a human being does during their lifetime. Our lives are spent stepping forward, opening ourselves up and letting people in to share our experiences with.

Someone please tell me why I am closing the doors, why I am trying so hard to portray myself as an empty shell?

Recently, after divulging small innocent comments about who I am as a person and what I want, I have noticed a pattern of self-punishment for doing so. I’m am not harming myself in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense by constantly scolding myself in the privacy of my mental thoughts. By making myself feel bad for opening up that minuscule amount.

i blame myself for everything

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