Not Worthy Enough

My confidence has collapsed again.

It never even grew enough to build a stable, strong foundation. That’s what makes it harder.

I don’t feel worthy. Of anything.

I’m receiving love from my family but don’t feel worthy of it, that’s where the hostility is coming from. I’m on the defensive once again.

It’s time. I need to take the step and find a therapist.

I need to let go of this once and for all.

I can’t keep dragging this weight around anymore. I’m emotionally battered.

I don’t even know why.

End game.

The Calm Before The Storm

My manager at work who is more like a friend and co-worker made me cry today. But in a good way.

Whilst discussing my progress she noticed an increase in my confidence levels in comparison to when I first started. I made a slight comment on how my strategy was to ‘fake it until I make it’ on the confidence front. This surprised her and she subtly asked around the issue, managing to get me to open up more and explain more about my insecurities. But even though I couldn’t voice them myself she was able to fill in the blanks and made a few comments that hit the nail on the head.

She asked why I felt so insecure and paranoid around others. Did I feel like they would think I wasn’t good looking, that I talked weird, that I dressed weird, that I wasn’t good enough? All these points hit home and I just felt a tear drop roll down my cheek. Then she started complimenting me, saying I was beautiful, smart, charming, bubbly etc. I stopped her, telling her that such words meant nothing when I just honestly and quite simply didn’t believe them. I told her how I felt like people just said that to me to be nice. But the fact that she could see through me just opened me up and had the hurt spilling over. I cried some more and she did the sweetest thing ever. She hugged me and kissed my hair and was just there for me.

the calm before the storm Continue reading

21st Century Truth

I spend hours looking through Blogs, Tumblr, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. What I find so intriguing is that everyone feels so at ease in revealing their inner most desires and opening up to the world, but we are unable to uphold this truth in real life.

The majority of us desire, want and crave the same things from life. Yet we can’t seem to communicate this face-to-face. We skirt around the issue with our friends and family, perhaps afraid of their reaction. Most of us may spend hours with our friends gossiping about superficial things but then go home and reveal our true inner-selves behind the safety of a computer screen.

I really feel there are many individuals who I follow on Tumblr, Twitter and via Blogs, that I could connect with. That I could be best friends with because their posts speak to me. We seem to be in the same point in our lives. We want the same things. But some, if not most, of these individuals do not act like that in the real world (myself included). The internet and social networks allow us to emphasize, magnify and intensify everything. So something good, will look amazing and perfect – after being sugarcoated and perhaps modified a little to make it sound or look better. Something bad will look worse – after being taken out of context because the individual was angry at the time of posting it. Continue reading

21st Birthday Extravaganza

I was worried the big 21 wouldn’t measure up. Boy I was wrong.

The family surprised me with a Birthday I will never forgot.

Presents:

  • A designer handbag I had my eye on but never in a million years thought I would ever buy!
  • Beautiful watch I now wear everyday
  • Lots of cash!
  • Best of all: A surprise HOLIDAY to an exotic Island and we left the day AFTER my birthday!!!!

exotic island, palm tree, swimming pool

Continue reading

The Edge of Never

I recently read this amazing book; The Edge of Never by J.A. Redmerski.

It’s a beautiful story about two souls trying to find the meaning and purpose of life and in doing so lead you through a journey of love, laughter, pain and appreciation for life.

The two quotes below from the book stuck with me, especially so during a time when I am trying to find myself and am feeling a restlessness in my soul.

I Feel Like Dancing

I received my university second year results yesterday and passed with flying colours!!!!

On top of that I got news that I received a £1,000 performance scholarship for getting great marks!!! (Basically is grand worth of cash!)

On top of that I got news that I have been accepted for my industrial work placement (in my first couple posts I wrote about how I was trying to achieve this but wasn’t getting anywhere). It is basically a 12 month internship that counts towards my degree and whats best is that it is a full paid salary!

Life is good right about now and I owe it all to God.

So I feel like dancing baby and for the past couple days I have been doing this crazy dance which looks exactly like the dance at the end of this clip:

“God has perfect timing, never early, never late. It takes a little patience and faith, but its worth the wait”