Will You Hold My Hand, Please?

I’m seeking a husband.

But I’ve never had a date. I’m 24.

It’s a little different in my culture, we’re not supposed to date around in order to avoid temptation as we are to enter marriage as virgins.

Can you imagine how difficult it is to be 24 and never have been in a relationship. I am craving male companionship and physical contact, not necessarily sex, but simply holding hands and having someone to hug. Try going that long without that physical human contact, it gets quite lonely.

I have informed my family that I am ready for marriage and they have started ‘the search’. This involves them asking friends and family in our community of any suitable matches. It’s basically old-school match-making. Word spreads and you end up marrying your Gran’s-sisters-husbands-brothers-sons-cousins-friends-uncles-son.

It’s an arranged marriage which isn’t so much arranged. My family are the matchmakers who introduce potentials and we both will meet and chat and decide if we would like to get to know each other, but you do so with a marriage in view (average engagement is around 1-2years). During the time that you ‘date’ you are essentially wedding planing, which may seem odd to those from the Western world.

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Clipping My Own Wings

I’ve finally grown into my own and am proud of and love my family and culture. Bragging to others who are unaware of this mysterious world and way of living. But I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot.

At work I lavishly talk about my┬ásomewhat traditional, yet lightly infused with western, way of living. But the smiles and pretty picture only lasts at work. At home the mask comes off and I feel drained; but from what? The fake smiles? I can’t work out what I want or what I need to make me happy. I’m a completely different person at work compared to home. Work gets my smiles, laughter and kindness. Home gets my bad moods, hostility and sharp responses.

I’m confused. Why am I being so harsh to my family. I am a miserable, horrible person to my family. But the complete opposite to strangers. Perhaps the supression growing up is causing resentment? All I know is that I don’t treat my family they way I should, but I can’t stop or change it either.

I distance myself from them, am aware of this, but can’t stop it at the same time.

So lost and confused.

21st Century Truth

I spend hours looking through Blogs, Tumblr, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. What I find so intriguing is that everyone feels so at ease in revealing their inner most desires and opening up to the world, but we are unable to uphold this truth in real life.

The majority of us desire, want and crave the same things from life. Yet we can’t seem to communicate this face-to-face. We skirt around the issue with our friends and family, perhaps afraid of their reaction. Most of us may spend hours with our friends gossiping about superficial things but then go home and reveal our true inner-selves behind the safety of a computer screen.

I really feel there are many individuals who I follow on Tumblr, Twitter and via Blogs, that I could connect with. That I could be best friends with because their posts speak to me. We seem to be in the same point in our lives. We want the same things. But some, if not most, of these individuals do not act like that in the real world (myself included). The internet and social networks allow us to emphasize, magnify and intensify everything. So something good, will look amazing and perfect – after being sugarcoated and perhaps modified a little to make it sound or look better. Something bad will look worse – after being taken out of context because the individual was angry at the time of posting it. Continue reading

I’m All Lonely Up in Here Baby

I’ve noticed that I go through mood cycles. I will have periods of content/normal moods and behaviour, flashes of elated happiness and then bouts of ‘depression’.

I’m not sure if I can call it depression or not. But I feel sad, down, lonely, bleak, numb and yet constantly anxious and on edge. If anyone goes through this they can understand that these words are an understatement and don’t even scrape the surface of the feelings themselves. Everything feels horrible.

Bleak. Sad. Desolate.

It’s like you cannot imagine things getting better. You feel as though things can only get worse, I can’t even describe what its like.

What makes it worse is that I dont even have a solid excuse or reason to back it up. Yes things are a bit hectic at the moment, but to be honest I feel quite detached from them. There a lot of bad luck circulating at home, but I can’t blame it on that, because like I said I just feel detached from it all.

Sad and lonely

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50 Shades of Angry

For a long while now I have been feeling angry. So angry. All the time. The little things tick me off, I have no patience for people and things, I don’t care about anything, my aspirations and goals just don’t matter any more. Looking back at them makes me snicker, I mean who was I to even dream those dreams.

Everything is just bleak.

I tell myself to stop dreaming, what’s the point.

Things I felt so strongly and passionately about are just boring and a waste of time. If you follow my blog you will know that I have a strong aversion and hatred for adultery and cheating (can’t get enough of blogging about it), but now I just don’t care. The other day a thought went through my head: “If I every get cheated on I don’t care anymore, just let it be, I can’t bothered to deal with the drama”.

When that thought popped up in my muddled mess of a mind I was amazed. I have either beat the crap out of that subject and my sub-conscience is literally mentally tired of the issue or/and I am just tired of life and its stresses.

Ok so back to the anger issue, I sat down and thought what the fuck is making me so angry, whatever it is needs to get sorted asap, because the people around me are slowly getting pissed off.

After weeks of thinking around the issue and trying to psychoanalyse myself I realised it stems to one thing. That one fucking thing that had laid slightly dormant for a while before cropping up with a vengance (I am noting a cycle with this).

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