Clipping My Own Wings

I’ve finally grown into my own and am proud of and love my family and culture. Bragging to others who are unaware of this mysterious world and way of living. But I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot.

At work I lavishly talk about my┬ásomewhat traditional, yet lightly infused with western, way of living. But the smiles and pretty picture only lasts at work. At home the mask comes off and I feel drained; but from what? The fake smiles? I can’t work out what I want or what I need to make me happy. I’m a completely different person at work compared to home. Work gets my smiles, laughter and kindness. Home gets my bad moods, hostility and sharp responses.

I’m confused. Why am I being so harsh to my family. I am a miserable, horrible person to my family. But the complete opposite to strangers. Perhaps the supression growing up is causing resentment? All I know is that I don’t treat my family they way I should, but I can’t stop or change it either.

I distance myself from them, am aware of this, but can’t stop it at the same time.

So lost and confused.