I’m no longer consistently posting, but that’s because I’m out here living.
Don’t really want to do that usual 2017 new year post thing, but I feel like I need to reflect back on 2016.
Politically the year sucked for the world.
Personally this was a good year for me.
Looking back through my blog I had so much negative anger that I kept hold off. I turned myself into my own biggest problem – that’s a story for another day.
All I want to say for anyone out there who finds themselves relating to my blogs is that it’s ok. I found out that you need to go through the crazy times in order to FIND yourself. You need to hit rock bottom and figure out how to climb back up by YOURSELF. No matter how many people you are surrounded by that love you, it is your personal journal to SELF discovery. If you aren’t the one picking yourself up, then it’s not happening man, you are not living YOUR life. Stop waiting for someone to put out a helping hand, sad truth is that everyone is out here for themselves.
I’ve finally grown into my own and am proud of and love my family and culture. Bragging to others who are unaware of this mysterious world and way of living. But I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot.
At work I lavishly talk about my somewhat traditional, yet lightly infused with western, way of living. But the smiles and pretty picture only lasts at work. At home the mask comes off and I feel drained; but from what? The fake smiles? I can’t work out what I want or what I need to make me happy. I’m a completely different person at work compared to home. Work gets my smiles, laughter and kindness. Home gets my bad moods, hostility and sharp responses.
I’m confused. Why am I being so harsh to my family. I am a miserable, horrible person to my family. But the complete opposite to strangers. Perhaps the supression growing up is causing resentment? All I know is that I don’t treat my family they way I should, but I can’t stop or change it either.
I distance myself from them, am aware of this, but can’t stop it at the same time.
I’ve noticed that I go through mood cycles. I will have periods of content/normal moods and behaviour, flashes of elated happiness and then bouts of ‘depression’.
I’m not sure if I can call it depression or not. But I feel sad, down, lonely, bleak, numb and yet constantly anxious and on edge. If anyone goes through this they can understand that these words are an understatement and don’t even scrape the surface of the feelings themselves. Everything feels horrible.
Bleak. Sad. Desolate.
It’s like you cannot imagine things getting better. You feel as though things can only get worse, I can’t even describe what its like.
What makes it worse is that I dont even have a solid excuse or reason to back it up. Yes things are a bit hectic at the moment, but to be honest I feel quite detached from them. There a lot of bad luck circulating at home, but I can’t blame it on that, because like I said I just feel detached from it all.
Ever since I started work, I have been feeling restless. Monday to Friday goes along great, too busy with travel and work to think.
5pm Friday I’m feeling good, work is over and the weekend is welcome. Except it isn’t. My good mood and wide grin dies down in exactly 1hour 30 minutes. The time it takes me to travel home and think about what the evening and the next 2 days hold.
I feel trapped, suffocated, angry, restless, dispirited. I’m a 20 year old girl wanting to explore life and the world around me. But I’m trapped. I don’t even know who to blame any more. Myself or my family?
So sick of this shit, I feel like there is a bright twinkling spirit bursting around inside me, but minute by minute the light dims and the fuse blows.