I’ve flicked through my blog and realised a lot of my posts originate from a righteous attitude and a deeply instilled sense of anger. I’ve been busy living life this past year and its been messy, hurtful but fun. I’ve learnt a lot of lessons, the key one being that you need to speak. I’m a quiet individual, always sitting in the background letting everyone else dull my shine. But that’s my own fault. If I want something I need to speak up. If I don’t like something I need to speak up and communicate my feelings. I’m simply so used to keeping my mouth shut its just become a habit.
My posts are very black and white, and that’s because I feel that people should just do something or not. Simple yes or no. But having lived life this past year and stepping outside my comfort zone I realise that life is colourful. Messy as hell but colourful. There is no black and white and that’s the problem. It’s easy to sit behind a keyboard, shut out the world and voice your angry thoughts and opinions, but it’s just so draining. Getting out there and doing is so much more fun.
As always my posts don’t make much sense, but I just had this surging need to come onto here and write this. If you can figure out what the rambling above means then please let me know, because I haven’t a bloody clue.
“It’s been about 12 weeks since I saw the awful texts that confirmed my suspicions that you were being unfaithful. For two years I had been questioning whether you loved me as I felt so unloved – so much so that I occasionally asked if you were having an affair. And I felt you were avoiding me. You assured me every time that you did love me and were not having an affair, which made me feel happy that things were fine again, for a while.
However, I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right but because you were reassuring me, I began to question my own sanity. I became ill, had panic attacks and anxiety. Our children wondered why you were going out so much and not spending much time with me or with us as a family. But you carried on being selfish.
SON: “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?”
SON: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?”
SON: “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “If you must know, I make $100 an hour.”
SON: “Oh! (With his head down).
SON: “Daddy, may I please borrow $50?”
The father was furious.
DAD: “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
3 months ago my family found out that my 17 year old cousin in India had a boyfriend. It was fucking chaos. If ever I needed a reminder as to why I live such a scared, sheltered, “good-girl” life, then that was it.
This cousin of mine was the perfect daughter. She was polite, well mannered, hard working and everyone used to sing her praises 24/7 especially my mother (it was her brothers daughter). She never put a foot wrong, she was the definition of good-girl. So when the news of her 2 year boyfriend accidentally came out, everyone flipped. Indian girls (especially those who live in the urban villages in India), do not supposedly entertain the thought of boys, let alone have a secret relationship.
When this news hit I was shocked, but not for the same reasons as everyone else. I was shocked that they had found out, because as you may have guessed I already new about her relationship. When I visited a couple of years back she told me she was in a relationship and surprised the hell out of me (again Indian girls do NOT have relationships, India is strict as hell and very old-school). She told me all about her secret hidden phone and the secret meetings between school and any outings (simple things such as a trip to a corner shop to get food).