My First Date

I finally took life into my own hands and took the plunge.

Been following this guy on Instagram with an amazing physique and personality. He was way of out my league, but I still sent him a message. Imagine my surprise when he responded and we got talking.

“Want to grab a bite to eat or some coffee?”

I was jumping up and down and panicking at the same time. I have never done something like this before but my goodness did I want to.

This guy was built like a God, had a beard (swoon), amazing personality, was my religion and seemed like a genuinely cool person.

So what gave me the guts to contact this Adonis? His account mentioned depression and social anxiety. If you saw what he looked like you wouldn’t believe it either.

Fast forward. We met up for coffee at Starbucks. I was super shy and nervous at first but the thought of his social anxiety put me at ease.

He was pretty easy to talk to. There was a lot of question asking as this was our first meet, and we talked for 2hours!

I was so physically attracted to this guy, he had a sexy deep voice, gorgeous light grey eyes, amazing personality and to top it off he was so humble. What are the odds. Seriously?

Will You Hold My Hand, Please?

I’m seeking a husband.

But I’ve never had a date. I’m 24.

It’s a little different in my culture, we’re not supposed to date around in order to avoid temptation as we are to enter marriage as virgins.

Can you imagine how difficult it is to be 24 and never have been in a relationship. I am craving male companionship and physical contact, not necessarily sex, but simply holding hands and having someone to hug. Try going that long without that physical human contact, it gets quite lonely.

I have informed my family that I am ready for marriage and they have started ‘the search’. This involves them asking friends and family in our community of any suitable matches. It’s basically old-school match-making. Word spreads and you end up marrying your Gran’s-sisters-husbands-brothers-sons-cousins-friends-uncles-son.

It’s an arranged marriage which isn’t so much arranged. My family are the matchmakers who introduce potentials and we both will meet and chat and decide if we would like to get to know each other, but you do so with a marriage in view (average engagement is around 1-2years). During the time that you ‘date’ you are essentially wedding planing, which may seem odd to those from the Western world.

Let It Go

I feel like I need to write this, and let it go once and for all.

My best friend was my cousin (I wrote about our relationship here).

Growing up I wore my heart on my sleeve, I was so open, so bubbly, no filter between my brain and my mouth. You got what you saw with me.

But then I started noticing that whilst the everyone new exactly who I was, I didn’t really know my closest best-friend. She was so closed off, having trust issues. Later on I learnt that her parents were having marriage problems, and were to divorce. This was never openly discussed in our family and to-date still has never openly been said. It’s just brushed under the carpet and not questioned by us kids because we never really saw her dad anyway, so his absence is not unusual. Point is, to-date she has never once mentioned this whole saga to me, or even indicated that it’s happened.

So I found that so weird. There I stood openly telling her everything about our household, my secrets, my feelings, and not thinking anything weird with being so forthcoming, but something as big as her parents divorcing and she never uttered a word to me. The lack of trust on her part was part of the turning events for me when I changed into into this bitter person that you have seen vent on this blog.

I thought she was so cool, so mysterious being that closed off. I felt that being so open as I was, was considered uncool. So based on the hurt I was feeling from the lack of trust she had in me and a bunch of other stuff happening in my life at the point, I decided I needed to close myself off.

I created the same monster that I am today trying to defeat.

I Go Blind And Let The Lord Do His Thing

I’m no longer consistently posting, but that’s because I’m out here living.

Don’t really want to do that usual 2017 new year post thing, but I feel like I need to reflect back on 2016.

Politically the year sucked for the world.

Personally this was a good year for me.

Looking back through my blog I had so much negative anger that I kept hold off. I turned myself into my own biggest problem – that’s a story for another day.

All I want to say for anyone out there who finds themselves relating to my blogs is that it’s ok. I found out that you need to go through the crazy times in order to FIND yourself. You need to hit rock bottom and figure out how to climb back up by YOURSELF. No matter how many people you are surrounded by that love you, it is your personal journal to SELF discovery. If you aren’t the one picking yourself up, then it’s not happening man, you are not living YOUR life. Stop waiting for someone to put out a helping hand, sad truth is that everyone is out here for themselves.

The West Is Sleeping. The East Is Dying.

But God is watching. Karma is keeping track. Keeping all notches neatly wracked.

I’m sick with disgust.

My mind is boggled. Stunned.

When did we become so selfish. So heartless.

I see Humans, no Humanity.

We picked faceless cowards to organise society.

These motherfuckers sit at the top on their thrones making bullshit decisions which destroy the lives of the innocent.

They surround themselves and their families with the most technologically complex security. Protected in their gilded cages. But are happy for barefoot, baby faced children in Syria to stare into the barrel of a gun.

Meanwhile the rest of the world search for Pokemon. I don’t want to live on this Earth any more. Omran Daqneesh. Russian Airstrike on Syria. Another War Casualty.

I See Humans, No Humanity.

 

 

 

Omran Daqneesh.

5 years old.

Chubby arms and legs. Cute angel face. Floppy Hair. Baby round belly.

Cuts and bruises.

Blood and dust.

Not a single tear.

Not Worthy Enough

My confidence has collapsed again.

It never even grew enough to build a stable, strong foundation. That’s what makes it harder.

I don’t feel worthy. Of anything.

I’m receiving love from my family but don’t feel worthy of it, that’s where the hostility is coming from. I’m on the defensive once again.

It’s time. I need to take the step and find a therapist.

I need to let go of this once and for all.

I can’t keep dragging this weight around anymore. I’m emotionally battered.

I don’t even know why.

End game.

Catch Me Baby, I’m Falling.

I’ve dipped low.

I was riding high for some time and then I fell.

It’s that time again, I’m studying for the next set of exams for my professional qualification alongside working that 9-5. All I know right now is STRESS.

I am so stressed.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’m lashing out.

At this low it feels like Dr.Jekyll never even existed. Mr Hyde is out to play and has no mercy. I’m lashing out at everyone.  I’m lashing out at those who are showing me love, my family. I’m playing victim to those who aren’t. There’s no winning, I’m bowing to defeat and not even trying to fight. I’ve psychoanalysed this moment before it even happened, knew the stress would come and tried to prepare myself for it.

I’ve learnt that no matter how much you prepare for something the reality will still knock you off your feet. I’ve mentally prepared myself so many times for so many things, but it all disappears when push comes to shove. Why is that?

I can’t even sleep. I awoke at 4am with my eyes clenched hard – that’s how I was asleep. I awoke in confusion and my subconscious literally asked “what am I supposed to be doing”. I.e. I felt like i should be doing something productive, IN MY SLEEP! I was genuinely so confused and felt like I needed to change my position or do something. When the fog cleared away I got my answer – I was supposed to be resting my body, that’s what sleep is. I genuinely felt like I should have been doing something in my sleep!!  I can’t explain how profound this little experience was. That’s how i knew this stress was getting too much.

I’m so stuck right now, the fear of failure is taking over my life. I can’t do this anymore.

It’s so hard.

Just Tryna Breathe Above Water

I just want to quit. I am so sick of studying I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Part of my job is to study towards a professional qualification alongside working. I am so sick and tired of studying. I have completed high school, 6th form (college), 4 years at University and now I have another 3 years for this. There is only so many times you can go through revision and exams and I am reaching my boiling point. God help me. I really want to give up. Feeling like a haggard old lady right about now.

It’s funny really, my grandma said your going to grow old studying. I pictures myself as an old grandma sitting at her desk revising as she said that. I am just ready to live life. I can’t keep doing this stressful thing. And I’ve not even completed year one yet. Drowning over here.

Brewing Of A Storm

I rocked the boat

Now I must ride the wave.