Catch Me Baby, I’m Falling.

I’ve dipped low.

I was riding high for some time and then I fell.

It’s that time again, I’m studying for the next set of exams for my professional qualification alongside working that 9-5. All I know right now is STRESS.

I am so stressed.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’m lashing out.

At this low it feels like Dr.Jekyll never even existed. Mr Hyde is out to play and has no mercy. I’m lashing out at everyone.  I’m lashing out at those who are showing me love, my family. I’m playing victim to those who aren’t. There’s no winning, I’m bowing to defeat and not even trying to fight. I’ve psychoanalysed this moment before it even happened, knew the stress would come and tried to prepare myself for it.

I’ve learnt that no matter how much you prepare for something the reality will still knock you off your feet. I’ve mentally prepared myself so many times for so many things, but it all disappears when push comes to shove. Why is that?

I can’t even sleep. I awoke at 4am with my eyes clenched hard – that’s how I was asleep. I awoke in confusion and my subconscious literally asked “what am I supposed to be doing”. I.e. I felt like i should be doing something productive, IN MY SLEEP! I was genuinely so confused and felt like I needed to change my position or do something. When the fog cleared away I got my answer – I was supposed to be resting my body, that’s what sleep is. I genuinely felt like I should have been doing something in my sleep!!  I can’t explain how profound this little experience was. That’s how i knew this stress was getting too much.

I’m so stuck right now, the fear of failure is taking over my life. I can’t do this anymore.

It’s so hard.

Just Tryna Breathe Above Water

I just want to quit. I am so sick of studying I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Part of my job is to study towards a professional qualification alongside working. I am so sick and tired of studying. I have completed high school, 6th form (college), 4 years at University and now I have another 3 years for this. There is only so many times you can go through revision and exams and I am reaching my boiling point. God help me. I really want to give up. Feeling like a haggard old lady right about now.

It’s funny really, my grandma said your going to grow old studying. I pictures myself as an old grandma sitting at her desk revising as she said that. I am just ready to live life. I can’t keep doing this stressful thing. And I’ve not even completed year one yet. Drowning over here.

Clipping My Own Wings

I’ve finally grown into my own and am proud of and love my family and culture. Bragging to others who are unaware of this mysterious world and way of living. But I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot.

At work I lavishly talk about my somewhat traditional, yet lightly infused with western, way of living. But the smiles and pretty picture only lasts at work. At home the mask comes off and I feel drained; but from what? The fake smiles? I can’t work out what I want or what I need to make me happy. I’m a completely different person at work compared to home. Work gets my smiles, laughter and kindness. Home gets my bad moods, hostility and sharp responses.

I’m confused. Why am I being so harsh to my family. I am a miserable, horrible person to my family. But the complete opposite to strangers. Perhaps the supression growing up is causing resentment? All I know is that I don’t treat my family they way I should, but I can’t stop or change it either.

I distance myself from them, am aware of this, but can’t stop it at the same time.

So lost and confused.

They Can’t Poke Me Anymore

Started 2016 off with a bang by deactivating my Facebook account! Wowza that felt good.

I’m not committing to never going back, but a break from it will be good for me. This is one resolution that I have partially completed by just clicking the button. I was really apprehensive and didn’t want to do it, worrying that I would miss out on a lot of gossip and information about my ‘FB Friends’, but nevertheless I have just pressed the Deactivate Button people!

My low-self esteem, low-self worth and confidence is a problem that spills onto every aspect of my life. Facebook and general social media culture consists of people posting the most fabulous moments of their life for the world to see, which can get a little depressing. Especially when you know you are prone to the little green eye and base your self-worth on every comparison you can make to others.

Screen shot 2016-01-02 at 16.31.34

Continue reading

Climbing Off My High Horse

I’ve flicked through my blog and realised a lot of my posts originate from a righteous attitude and a deeply instilled sense of anger. I’ve been busy living life this past year and its been messy, hurtful but fun. I’ve learnt a lot of lessons, the key one being that you need to speak. I’m a quiet individual, always sitting in the background letting everyone else dull my shine. But that’s my own fault. If I want something I need to speak up. If I don’t like something I need to speak up and communicate my feelings. I’m simply so used to keeping my mouth shut its just become a habit.

My posts are very black and white, and that’s because I feel that people should just do something or not. Simple yes or no. But having lived life this past year and stepping outside my comfort zone I realise that life is colourful. Messy as hell but colourful. There is no black and white and that’s the problem. It’s easy to sit behind a keyboard, shut out the world and voice your angry thoughts and opinions, but it’s just so draining. Getting out there and doing is so much more fun.

As always my posts don’t make much sense, but I just had this surging need to come onto here and write this. If you can figure out what the rambling above means then please let me know, because I haven’t a bloody clue.

Happy New Year 🙂

2c47a3e3e05c5563e99a55cc64aed19c

Rupi Kaur – Milk and Honey

When The World Turns A Blind Eye

Bapu Surat Singh Khalsa 253 days on Hunger Strike to seek the release of prisons held unlawfully.

Bapu Surat Singh Khalsa 253 days on Hunger Strike to seek the release of prisoners held unlawfully.

WHO:

  • Surat Singh Khalsa, a civil rights activist.
  • Aged 82

WHAT:

  • Has been on a hunger strike since 16th January 2015
  • That was 9 MONTHS AGO
  • There has been no media coverage apart from that provided by Sikh Channels.
  • Indian government refuses to respond or even acknowledge what is going on.
  • Peaceful protests have been acted out by Sikhs worldwide but no one listens.
Bapu Surat Singh Khalsa's emaciated body on a hunger strike, peacefully protesting for civil rights.

Bapu Surat Singh Khalsa’s emaciated body on a hunger strike, peacefully protesting for civil rights.

WHERE:

  • Punjab, India

WHY:

  • To get the release of Sikh Political prisoners who have completed their sentence.
  • Also seeks release of all prisoners who have completed their sentences and are being unlawfully held, regardless of religion.
  • Indian government won’t release them, they are holding them on no legal grounds.
Earlier picture of Bapu Surat Singh Khalsa before Hunger Strike

Earlier picture of Bapu Surat Singh Khalsa before Hunger Strike

RESPONSE:

  • Because of the small coverage that is being carried out by Sikhs, the Government have ARRESTED Surat Singh Khalsa from his home several times since his hunger strike. They FORCED their way into his home, threatened family and friends around him and chained him to hospital beds, force-feeding him via In-Vitro tubes.
  • He did NOTHING to warrant these arrests. He is weak and has no energy, he can only lie in bed and await the fate of God.
  • His Son-In-Law was found murdered in Chicago on 18th August 2015.
  • Only 1 month ago.
  • Coincidence? I think not.
  • We believe this was orchestrated by the Indian Government to send a message.
  • There is no media coverage by the western world and no response from Governments.
  • The Indian Government won’t allow any media coverage on this, only certain Sikh funded channels are managing to keep some of us with access updated.
  • This is a joke. Hindu Anna Hazare completed a 4 DAY hunger strike for something and he got WIDE MEDIA COVERAGE and his requests granted within 3 days.
Bapu Surat Singh Khalsa early days into hunger strike.

Bapu Surat Singh Khalsa early days into hunger strike.

No words can describe how disgusted, isolated and hurt I feel for this poor man and everything he represents. Which is my culture, religion and society.

The world turned their backs on him.

They continue to turn a blind-eye.

Fear God, for he knows everything and his judgement is final.

God bless his soul.

I don’t fear for a physical death, but when my conscience dies, that is a real death~Sant Jarnail Singh Bhindranwale