Ever since I started work, I have been feeling restless. Monday to Friday goes along great, too busy with travel and work to think.
5pm Friday I’m feeling good, work is over and the weekend is welcome. Except it isn’t. My good mood and wide grin dies down in exactly 1hour 30 minutes. The time it takes me to travel home and think about what the evening and the next 2 days hold.
I feel trapped, suffocated, angry, restless, dispirited. I’m a 20 year old girl wanting to explore life and the world around me. But I’m trapped. I don’t even know who to blame any more. Myself or my family?
So sick of this shit, I feel like there is a bright twinkling spirit bursting around inside me, but minute by minute the light dims and the fuse blows.
I want to explore the city around me. I want to go out, I want to dance the night away, surrounded by laughter and raw love for life.
Why don’t I do this? Because no one does it with me and because I can’t. Friends are too busy, family are too busy, those who have time don’t share the same interests. I feel like the only one who wants this. I can’t do it alone, my family are too traditional and protective, they don’t understand my need for freedom. I haven’t even tried to explain it to them, only someone in my situation would understand why.
Months of this have turned me bitter. Moody. Angry. Half the person I was.
Its funny, I feel so much anger so much hate, but none of it comes out. Theres no lashing out, theres no harsh words, no rude tone. Somehow I am keeping calm. Habit maybe?
My facial expression is just stoic these days. My answers flat and dead.
The bubbling bursting spirit has died.
What’s worse, I’m starting to question my religion, my beliefs and my morals. This I could never admit to anyone. Its complete betrayal and craziness for those who surround me.
It just feeds the loneliness and the anger.
Confused and conflicted on a whole other level.