They Be Clipping My Wings

Ever since I started work, I have been feeling restless. Monday to Friday goes along great, too busy with travel and work to think.

5pm Friday I’m feeling good, work is over and the weekend is welcome. Except it isn’t. My good mood and wide grin dies down in exactly 1hour 30 minutes. The time it takes me to travel home and think about what the evening and the next 2 days hold.

Shit all.

I feel trapped, suffocated, angry, restless, dispirited. I’m a 20 year old girl wanting to explore life and the world around me. But I’m trapped. I don’t even know who to blame any more. Myself or my family?

So sick of this shit, I feel like there is a bright twinkling spirit bursting around inside me, but minute by minute the light dims and the fuse blows.

Fireflies sparks

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Romeo and Juliet in The Jungles of Punjab

3 months ago my family found out that my 17 year old cousin in India had a boyfriend. It was fucking chaos. If ever I needed a reminder as to why I live such a scared, sheltered, “good-girl” life, then that was it.

This cousin of mine was the perfect daughter. She was polite, well mannered, hard working and everyone used to sing her praises 24/7 especially my mother (it was her brothers daughter). She never put a foot wrong, she was the definition of good-girl. So when the news of her 2 year boyfriend accidentally came out, everyone flipped. Indian girls (especially those who live in the urban villages in India), do not supposedly entertain the thought of boys, let alone have a secret relationship.

When this news hit I was shocked, but not for the same reasons as everyone else. I was shocked that they had found out, because as you may have guessed I already new about her relationship. When I visited a couple of years back she told me she was in a relationship and surprised the hell out of me (again Indian girls do NOT have relationships, India is strict as hell and very old-school). She told me all about her secret hidden phone and the secret meetings between school and any outings (simple things such as a trip to a corner shop to get food).

You can’t tell anybody.

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