For a long while now I have been feeling angry. So angry. All the time. The little things tick me off, I have no patience for people and things, I don’t care about anything, my aspirations and goals just don’t matter any more. Looking back at them makes me snicker, I mean who was I to even dream those dreams.
Everything is just bleak.
I tell myself to stop dreaming, what’s the point.
Things I felt so strongly and passionately about are just boring and a waste of time. If you follow my blog you will know that I have a strong aversion and hatred for adultery and cheating (can’t get enough of blogging about it), but now I just don’t care. The other day a thought went through my head: “If I every get cheated on I don’t care anymore, just let it be, I can’t bothered to deal with the drama”.
When that thought popped up in my muddled mess of a mind I was amazed. I have either beat the crap out of that subject and my sub-conscience is literally mentally tired of the issue or/and I am just tired of life and its stresses.
Ok so back to the anger issue, I sat down and thought what the fuck is making me so angry, whatever it is needs to get sorted asap, because the people around me are slowly getting pissed off.
After weeks of thinking around the issue and trying to psychoanalyse myself I realised it stems to one thing. That one fucking thing that had laid slightly dormant for a while before cropping up with a vengance (I am noting a cycle with this).
LOW FUCKING SELF-ESTEEM!
I am so fucking sick to death of this shit, I think it may be time to go visit a counsellor or something because this has gone on for far too long.
This bullshit issue, sorry for the swearing but I am angry and had it to the max with this, seems like the cause for all the problems in my life.
- I feel ugly and fat
- I feel dumb
- I can’t think of the purpose of my life as I don’t feel good at any one thing
- I’m too shy and introverted so getting out and about doesn’t help too much
I just don’t feel good enough and its making me angry.
Anger is now the only thing I can hold on to. It’s my offence and boy do I have my shield up high.
One thing in life that I have always been proud of is my ability to keep my mouth shut and thoughts to myself. I used to be able to keep a poker face and keep mute through all situations. That was my game plan and boy was I good at it. I would be swearing and going crazy at the situation or person in my head, but I would not let out a peep. But now I have lost my calm. My responses come out sharp and bitter, and I can’t seem to hold my tongue. It takes me an effort now to stop myself short and hold myself back from releasing the storm brewing up in my head.
I go off on a tangent when someone speaks to me and have become the type of person I despise.
You get different types of people (this is a limited list because I am lazy):
- The cool, calm, easy living type who don’t stress too much as they know there is no point in stressing
- The bubbly, funny, outgoing people who live life to the max
- The strong, maybe silent, brooding type of people who are mature and maybe content?
- Then you get the angry, cyncical, sarcastic, people who want to make everyone as miserable as they are
I hate to say it but the last one is me. I don’t want to make others miserable and unhappy it just subconsciously happens. It starts of with the small sarcastic remarks, then the cynical strong willed opinions and then before you know it your expressing your anger at everything they have that you don’t.
They say haters only hate because they are jealous of you. I am ashamed to say it but in majority (not all) of my cases, it is true. For example:
- I hate “that chick” because she is so pretty and I never will be. She gets all the attention and blokes I never will. Am I angry, yes. Why? Because the rule usually is that you get either beauty or brains right? So what happens if you get neither, where the hell does that leave me and the likes of me. So I am angry and constantly on the offence; the action of attacking the enemy. Why am I on the offence? Because of the whole “I will attack you before you have to chance to attack me” concept. After all, those animals who are “vulnerable and scared” will be the ones most likely to pounce and bite.
- I hate X because they have the career that I want, they have the brains, the confidence and the will power to go out there and get and pursue that career. Me? I went to shit loads of interviews and then repeatedly received the “We are sorry to announce that your application will not be progressed further” response. Fuck. You. Ok yes maybe there is something better suited for me out there and I need to have patience, but on a level, getting rejected on a continual basis is some draining stuff. Am I being a jealous, selfish, vindictive bitch right now? Yes I am, but I’m on a roll right now, so leave me be.
- I hate X Y and Z because they are all good at A B and C. What do I excel at? What talents do I have? What is my purpose? Nada. Zilch. Zero. Y’all are probably thinking “oh come on there must be something you are good at”. But there isn’t or if there is I cant think of what it might be. So that comes back to the whole being pretty thing, I mean it’s a general rule that if you’re not “useful” then you are “decorative”. So again where the fuck does that leave my ass?
Before I used to sit around feeling so sorry for myself (no one can throw a pity party like I can), and now I have just gotten so bored of this topic. Seriously I was lying in bed last night and this issue popped up again and I swear it was like my sub-conscience sighed “oh here we go again”. I actually get mentally bored and tired of thinking over this topic. Why don’t I just stop then right? Well yeah okay, as soon as someone points out the mental ‘off switch’ to me.
Everyone knows that soon boredom spiral off into irritation and then full blown anger, which is where I am now.
What pisses me off even more (how is that even possible lol), is when people who don’t have a fucking clue, who don’t understand at all because they haven’t been in this state of mind, offer their opinions and advice. Like seriously? You going to stand there and tell me you understand and I will get over it soon? Like shut the fuck up already. Unless you want my fist getting cosy with your face I suggest you keep on walking.
A couple weeks ago I confided in my one aunt that I trust and open up to, however for some time now I seem to be getting the vibe that I annoy and bore her when I confide in her and talk of my problems (another topic for another day). When I hesitantly admitted that I feel ugly and not good enough she just responded “Tsk. don’t be silly, you are pretty and smart.” Said in the same way your mum and dad will say that you are the most beautiful girl/boy in the world. Said just for the sake of saying it.
What people don’t understand is that this is how I AM feeling, I can’t turn it off or change it. I DO FEEL ugly, so giving me that perfunctory comment changes NOTHING. Instead it pisses me off because it proves that you have no idea what I’m going through right now.
“Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before – it takes something from him.” Louis L’Amour