I’ll Pencil You In

My latest posts have been centred around how trapped and suffocated I have been feeling. So it’s only fitting that my social circle is too busy for me! It’s that time of year where kids are going through exams. All my friends, siblings and cousins are all busy with studying. Except me! I am working this year and I finally have my weekends free (no stupid Saturday job for me)! However it’s just fitting that when these people are not studying they are working part time on the weekends! Just my luck (I seriously need new friends).

So I am bored, I want to go out, I want to have fun, I want to be a fucking kid. It’s so unfair how I am being restricted from every angle in my life!

  • Strict, overprotective parents with old-school views means that my choices and options of what I can do are limited.
  • A restricted social circle limits my options of what, when and with whom I can carry out the list of restricted things I can do.
  • Social/cultural/religious views, morals and rules tie into all the above and again the key word here is RESTRICTION!
Trapped inside your own mind

Trapped inside your own mind

I am so fucking tired of this shit, but my fear is too deeply inbedded. I am afraid of breaking the rules, afraid of the consequences, afraid of people’s opinions, afraid of causing disrespect to my family (I get warned of this too frequently). It is done in such a way that it makes you feel guilty instead of angry. Goes something along the lines of this “Do what you want in life, but just make sure that you remember the respect we have built up in this family. Remember that the choices you make reflect on us and it will come down to our family name.” Blah, blah, blah……

Do you see the subtle emotional turmoil, guilt and resulting effects that causes.

Ok this post just went off on a tangent.

Getting back on topic; I want to go out and about, but I can’t because all my mates are too busy studying. So anyway what fuelled the rage this time is that they have been stating dates after which I am ALLOWED to meet them! Can you believe that?!

So imagine you wanted to meet with your mates and they said ‘we can’t meet until after 25th June’.

Like are you serious, who the fuck do you think you are?! Yes you have exams, yes you need to study, but get real people. You are acting like you study every minute of the day and taking an hour out to meet with a mate is a hindrance and such an inconvenience. I feel trapped because I feel like I am the only person around me who wants to be out exploring the beauty of life!

When I am studying I welcome the opportunity to get out and away from revision. It does you good to de-stress and relax, so don’t give me a fucking date after which I am allowed to graciously be blessed with your superior presence.

Middle finger, fuck you

One thing I have learnt in life is that if you truly want to make time for somebody, you can. If you really want to meet with someone (a lover, a friend, a parent, a family relation etc), you are never TOO busy! It is so easy to move things around and COMPROMISE. I have realised that people who give bullshit excuses do not truly want to meet with you, or their desire is significantly lower than yours. If I really wanted to make time to meet with someone and I was so crazy busy, I would still be able to do it! It’s not a hardship and it’s not rocket science, it comes down to how much you really want it. Do you agree?

Any way point is, these so called mates can go fuck themselves. I always compromise and change things or timetables to suit others, but they never do the same for me. So fuck you and your stupid dates. I just decided that I am busy then B%TCHES!

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8 thoughts on “I’ll Pencil You In

  1. Your key is going to be learning to master what you cannot change. Time is one thing many people must learn to master. You cannot change time, you can only master the time you have. You cannot change your friends, you can only master your own role in the relationship. You cannot change your parents, you can only master what freedom you’ve been entrusted with.

    Master what you have to overcome the obstacles you have no control of. Recognize your own perceptions. List out the things you can control versus those things you cannot control. Once you focus on mastering what freedom you have, your perception of freedom will change and you will realise that you are never more or less free than you choose to perceive.

    Anger, fear, anxiety, and depression will never help you grow. They are agents of death. Harness strength, courage, and confidence in what power you have. Otherwise you will inevitably gravitate towards death.

  2. No problem! I know what it’s like to be in a place of hopelessness, depression, fear, and anxiety. It still tries to creep up on me, but I remind myself of the positive things in my life (my wife, my God, my friends, and my family) and how far I’ve come.

    No to be too preachy, but I was at my most hopeless, depressed, and full of anxiety before I turned to God. I’m not going to pretend it’s all been rainbows and unicorns since my rebirth. I just know that in order for me to overcome any and all obstacles in this life, I need to turn to the One who created (and is above, outside, and within) all.

    Again, I don’t want preach. That’s just the simplified version of my story.

    • Hi, you are not being preachy at all, I am religious also and believe in God. I pray everyday and go to temple on Sunday’s (I am in no way perfect but I am trying to get closer to God).

      Yet despite this, its still very hard, but I don’t blame God for it at all. I believe that this is my test and I just need to keep faith, keep positive and be the one to make changes. It is up to me to change things, but just trying to get to that point is hard. Just need to break the habit and then the fire will fuel itself from then on.

  3. Ekk Deewana Tha says:

    Hello,

    I’ll keep this short.
    I somehow stumbled upon your blog. And was fascinated by your boredom and your interest in PUA stuff.
    I’ll just tell you that in life, whatever choices you make, no matter how brief will have lasting consequences. As you had mentioned in another post, that you are an inherently “good” person and that you are surrounded by hedonists. You have choices and tradeoffs, you cannot have your cake and eat it too.
    1. You can pursue personal freedom and debauchery and give up on family, religion, etc. You will surely have a lot of fun drinking, partying and all but 10 yrs down the line end up a lonely sad single mother.
    2. Stick to your traditional values sacrificing personal freedom and remaining lonely.
    3. Lead a double life as many of your friends do. Even if you can pull it off and never get busted, you will live your life as a liar with the shame, humiliation and guilt.

    Modern materialism has destroyed the old world values. Modern culture of the here and now is propagated through marketing to sell alcohol, music, party culture, sex, etc. Everything becomes a commodity. However, none of those have long term benefits and will never bring you happiness or peace, only animalistic gratification that you will only realise when it has worn you out. See culture and religion not as an obligation or a restriction but as a means to construct your identity and realise your individuality and place in the world. It gives you direction and focus. Gives you “peace of mind” that nothing in this world will give you. It is secondary what you believe in, but important that you believe. Read the Guru Granth Sahib or even the Quran.

    You are lucky to be born in the caring family you are and belong to the culture you do, do not throw it away. If you feel bored, pick up a hobby. For emotional support connect with your family or get married. Make the world around you a healthier place, and not be a victim to your surroundings.

    Forever yours,

    Ex PUA hedonist who found direction in life.

    Salam

    • Hi, thanks for your comments and advice. I strongly believe that all actions have consequences. This belief has shaped the way I am and how I live my life. But recently I question it all because up until now it has’t gotten me anywhere. I see the hedonists having the time of their life and all I see is that I’m missing out.

      I have thought about all the different routes and agree with points 1-3 that you listed above. There just doesn’t seem to be a middle ground, and as you pointed out, if I live the double life, I will just be deceiving myself.

      I have hit a point where I want to rebel, but just can’t do it. And I have noticed that when people give me good advice (like yours) it just makes me want to rebel even more. I feel like the only way to get over this is by making the mistake and learning from it.

      You mention that you were ex PUA – how far in the lifestyle did you go before you changed?

      • Ekk Deewana Tha says:

        Hey, thanks for the reply. I started drinking, womanizing, partying when college started. When I was younger, I lived in a very conservative family where I had never touched alcohol, kissed a girl or partied, I used to watch movies and see others do it and often felt envious. Hence, I read a lot about it (PUA) just out of curiosity.

        When I went to college, I felt that “Hey, why shouldn’t I experience all of that?”. It’s good to have fun, and if I don’t like it, I can always stop. So I started and had an amazing year or so. But then it started getting repetitive, mundane and purposeless. Where was I headed? What was I accomplishing? Was I a happier person? I didn’t feel so. I didn’t feel better about myself, I felt that I had sacrificed my identity, I had become just one of the crowd. Was my integrity and self belief so weak that I could give it all up and accept western culture?….The worst was when my nani told me that I wasn’t the same person anymore. I had changed. And I didn’t even realise it. The way I see relationships, women, the way I see the world, even the way I see myself has changed. I always wanted a perfect bollywood love story, but that seems so warped. I definitely feel more independent but I also feel more alone…. I am more realistic…cynical…self serving but have lost my innocence, my purity and bond with those who actually loved me.

        I see some of my friends do all that and be happy with it, but I know where they are headed. youth fades..relationships dont last.. I wonder where they will be. However, I have made amends, my purpose in life is not to demean myself but to be successful in what I am good at. So I can make my family proud and feel better about myself. I do not need alcohol, I do not need parties, I do not need fornication. I follow my religion (even though I’m somewhat agnostic) because there is great wisdom in it. Without it, I would be lost. I love my culture and family. And if my ancestors had the courage to resist this western cultural imperialism, why shouldn’t I? Why should I trade my Lamborghini for a Mini Cooper just to rebel and see what it feels like?

        I do not want to die alone in some rented apartment and be remembered as some loser who picked up skanks at bars. I want to leave a legacy of someone dignified with strong morals who brought light and culture to the ignorant and lost.

        Be the lamp in this dark world my friend. And then see how you attract positivity, growth and purpose. You really should read your Guru Granth Sahib and you will discover that theres greater things in life than alcohol and sex.

        • Hey thanks for the insight, if you don’t mind me asking, where did you grow up and what age group are you in?

          Its great that you have finally moved on from that lifestyle and you feel happier and at peace with where you are at. But again it comes down to the fact that you lived on the other side and experienced it so you can now move on and settle down. I’m at the point where I strongly feel that my biggest regret will be not having fun and looking back wishing and wondering ‘what if’.

          I know that right now I have the ‘Lamborghini’. When I see others partying hard and living in the fast lane I know that it will come to an end and no good will come from it, except maybe memories which they can cherish 20 years down the line.

          To be honest I’m just confused with everything right now, I want to live the wild life, but I know that I won’t (because of who I am and the way I have been raised). I think it is just a strong case of wishful thinking and wanting the forbidden. The thought of regrets 10 years down the line over everything I never got to do is causing this turmoil. It also doesn’t help when close friends and colleagues go on about the things they do over the weekends etc. and mention how boring my life is and how I am missing out.

          I started reading the Guru Granth Sahib Ji a few months ago (just small sections at a time) however my mind was and is restless and I don’t want to read it whilst I am like that. I want to learn from it with a clear mind so that I can sit still and feel at peace, rather than feel the need to finish the section so I can do whatever I am rushing to get to.

          To be honest that sums it up really – right now I just feel restless, like my inner spirit is dying to get out, but the rules of family, tradition, culture and religion are just suppressing me.

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