You hear about people being closed off, being emotionally inept and having difficulty letting people in. These individuals try to get as much help as they can to break down their walls and come to terms with their distrust in others and their vulnerable natures. These people are trying to step forward.
So why the fuck would anyone consider stepping back?
Why would someone try to close themselves off, try to hide their soul/nature/character? Why would someone try to distance themselves from their friends and family and become an empty shell?
Because that’s what I’m doing. I’m stepping back, undoing all the hard-work that a human being does during their lifetime. Our lives are spent stepping forward, opening ourselves up and letting people in to share our experiences with.
Someone please tell me why I am closing the doors, why I am trying so hard to portray myself as an empty shell?
Recently, after divulging small innocent comments about who I am as a person and what I want, I have noticed a pattern of self-punishment for doing so. I’m am not harming myself in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense by constantly scolding myself in the privacy of my mental thoughts. By making myself feel bad for opening up that minuscule amount.
I tell myself to stop talking, that they don’t care, I’m only embarrassing myself by blabbing on. One of my close confidants actually reinforced this lowly opinion of myself by cutting me off when I talk, continuously changing the subject when she got bored, and completely tuning out and facing the other way whilst I was breaths away from baring my battered fucked up soul.
Two of my cousins re-inforced this when they couldn’t even give me the courtesy of 10 seconds. They diverted their attention within seconds when I answered a question they fucking asked in the first place. Completely disregarding me and the only bit of interest they had ever expressed in my life. You see, these two cousins happen to be the ‘popular’ but ‘bad ass’ cousins. So there is a slight novelty feeling the family expresses when they see them, so you can imagine my need for the slight bit of attention from them, or the slightest inclination that they might care a little for me.
I get that these people have their own lives and/or their own problems it may have been a case of wrong time, wrong place. But they made their mark. That’s all that matters.
Then there’s my other confidant, my best friend. I’m pushing her away. She started it. Apparently she’s a great liar. Although her lies were merely omissions of truth and withholding information that wasn’t even about me; it hurt. We told each other everything. Everything! Actually in hindsight I realise that I used to tell her everything, bare my soul like a pathetic idiot, and she actually didn’t do much baring at all. Looking back I see that she never really opened up, I was just under the illusion that she did. After that, she can go fuck herself. My mission: don’t let her in anymore, why be the idiot who throws everything in whilst the other holds their cards close to their chest.
Fuck her. I keep telling myself I don’t need her and I can slowly and eventually close myself off to her (you must realise that I have been baring my soul and confiding in her all my life, she knows more about me that I do)!
Basically the point of this post is what the fuck is wrong with me? I never thought I would end up such a fucking text-book/charity case.
Would appreciate some insight from you wise bloggers out there. Going slightly crazy down here.