My manager at work who is more like a friend and co-worker made me cry today. But in a good way.
Whilst discussing my progress she noticed an increase in my confidence levels in comparison to when I first started. I made a slight comment on how my strategy was to ‘fake it until I make it’ on the confidence front. This surprised her and she subtly asked around the issue, managing to get me to open up more and explain more about my insecurities. But even though I couldn’t voice them myself she was able to fill in the blanks and made a few comments that hit the nail on the head.
She asked why I felt so insecure and paranoid around others. Did I feel like they would think I wasn’t good looking, that I talked weird, that I dressed weird, that I wasn’t good enough? All these points hit home and I just felt a tear drop roll down my cheek. Then she started complimenting me, saying I was beautiful, smart, charming, bubbly etc. I stopped her, telling her that such words meant nothing when I just honestly and quite simply didn’t believe them. I told her how I felt like people just said that to me to be nice. But the fact that she could see through me just opened me up and had the hurt spilling over. I cried some more and she did the sweetest thing ever. She hugged me and kissed my hair and was just there for me.
I’ve been alienated from my friends at the moment, things just haven’t been good because I feel like they aren’t there for me. I always have to make the first move to talk to them, they don’t return the favour. I’m always leading the conversation, asking the questions and genuinely taking interest in their lives but I don’t receive the same courtesy. It’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes.
I believe that I cried in front of my friend/manager because no one has ever just simply discussed this issue with me. When I slip it into conversation with my friends they always tend to turn the conversation onto themselves and talk about their insecurities or brush it aside as a ‘superficial’ thing. When I speak to my aunt about it (one of my main confidants) her eyes tend to glaze over and I honestly feel like she isn’t even listening to my words. Probably thinking I need to get over myself.
After my cry with my manager I initially felt embarrassed, stupid and angry that I had let my walls down. But now I just feel so much better, I feel lighter like a weight off of my shoulders. Maybe the way to get over this is to rationalize it (she was trying to do this with me), let it out and let it go, once and for all.
I always feel better after a good cry, I have been bottling emotions up for close to a year now, just holding a blank face and putting up a cold-front. But now I just feel lighter, more rational and calm.
God puts people in your life for different reasons. Some to learn from, some to help you & some to help you realize how strong you are.