The Truth

I am 22 years old and have never had a boyfriend.

I have had limited physical contact with people in general, let alone with males. Having not been a ‘touchy-feely’ kind of person my whole life, I have lacked both receiving and giving affection. You know the type of person who flinches or subtly moves away when another places a hand on their shoulder, or touches them accidentally by sitting too close? That’s me. I don’t even like my own mother touching me for-goodness-sake!

One week ago at a wedding I received warm, friendly, if not slightly flirty admissions from a handsome young-man. Its a weird case of knowing of one another, but only having met for the first time there and then. He was slightly drunk and greeted me warmly, we knew one another in a distant way. His simple way in actually making me feel welcome opened me up to him. I felt my walls come crashing down, and boy have I spent years putting them up. I felt free when I sat there laughing and joking with him. Corny as it is, I felt heady and was lost to all around us.

holding hands, touching flirting

I couldn’t fully understand his intentions, but his behavior consisted of repeatedly doing the following:

  • He kept holding my hand whilst speaking to me, but it was done in such a casual manner that I thought nothing of it. At one point he even taught me the ‘cool-canadian’ handshake, which consisted of 3 or 4 hand moves including the fist bump. Was this just a reason for more contact?
  • We were at the wedding reception where the loud music meant we had to lean in close to hear one another. Every time i moved back he would nudge my shoulder forward and towards him so he could talk (having had his arm resting on the back of my chair).
  • He squeezed his arm around my neck in a ‘friendly-hugging’ manner when joking and laughing about certain things.
  • He pushed my cheek a few times as a joke. Was this just an excuse to touch my face, because seriously no one outside of my family has ever touched my face.
  • He then even danced with me, holding my hands and everything! Then proceeded to tell me that I dance nice.

Is this flirting????!???!?!?!?!

I don’t even know.

All I know is that I have always been a stiff, uptight and self-controlled individual most of my life. Just picture the ice-queen – that’s me. So when this guy was so open, friendly, warm and inviting, I lost all my self-control in a second.

I find it disturbing the way I wanted his attention and touch.

Having been deprived from such intentions and feelings my whole life I acted like one of those pathetic girls who lap up all the attention, and in looking back I hate that.

I guess the point of this post is that up until now I have been fine with the lack of emotional and physical connection I’ve had with the opposite sex, but this event shocked me because it proved that there is a built-up ‘something’ bubbling underneath my cool, cold exterior. It makes me feel vulnerable because who knows when it will all spill over.

This level of deprivation is not good for anyone, because it can be so easily taken advantage of. We all know that somebody who lived a shy, quiet life but then changed when someone came into their life. They become obsessed with that person, because they give them the attention that they crave.

I don’t really know where I am going with this post. All I know is that someone managed to get underneath my exterior and it scares me. I thought I had steel walls in place.


2 thoughts on “The Truth

  1. splitspeak says:

    Hey. Just enjoy it while it lasts. Who knows it might even last forever.. 🙂

    • Hi thanks for commenting! Sadly it won’t last forever, this thing would never work. But the new experience was definitely really nice. Just makes me feel like I’m missing out on a lot!

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