I have an addictive personality. If such a thing exists. Well Wikipedia says it does, can’t argue with that right?
People who suffer from an addictive personality spend excessive time on a behavior or with an item, not as a hobby but because they feel like they have to.
People who experience addictive personality disorders typically act on impulses and cannot deal with delayed gratification.
People with addictive personalities are very sensitive to emotional stress. The combination of low self-esteem, impulsivity and low tolerance for stress causes these individuals to have frequent mood swings and often suffer from some sort of depression
Books. Tv shows. Movies. These are my 3 vices, I fall in love with the characters and become attached. Their stories are more fasinating than mine, they suck me in deep, chew me up and spit me out. I become obsessed with the characters, search for any information I can to get to know them better, to see more of them, to feed the addiction.
I’m addicted right now. I started watching a TV show and found myself going through this obsessive stage all over again. I can’t concentrate, I just crave the next episode and it’s all I think about. What’s more is that this ALWAYS happens during exam time! I find a good novel, trilogy or series to read/watch when I should be revising! What is this amazing show that has me wacked?
SONS OF ANARCHY.
Have you seen it? It’s brilliant. Amazing. Perfect. The main character that got me all twisted? Jackson Teller. Jax. Bad boy biker, vice president of the Motorcycle Club played by the beautiful Charlie Hannam. Gosh this man is so perfect, so it’s funny that the first time I saw a picture of him in an article I disliked him. He wasn’t my type. But I was to soon find out that pictures don’t do this man justice. Watching him flawlessly play his character changed me within 5 minutes of watching the first episode……..Sigh……..
Right now I should be revising and preparing for an interview I have next week! Instead I’m staying up till the AM watching seven, eight episodes a turn. I’ve got through 3 seasons in 2 weeks. That’s not good right?
I try to resist, I try to do other stuff but I get agitated, fustrated and annoyed. I just want to get absorbed back into the show. You would laugh if you saw me. My whole body physically relaxes when I give in and just watch the show, my mind feels at ease. But seeing this truth typed out makes me mad, I fucking hate it, this is bullshit, its pathetic BS.
Why am I writing all this shit?
Because I’m scared. I started reflecting on the amount of times I go through something like this. Too many times. Way too many times for my liking. I don’t like not being in control. I don not like the thought of being controlled by a craving. For now the addiction is only with minor silly things.
But it scares me. If I get attached this easily to silly things, what’s going to happen when I get into a relationship?
This obssessive personality will be the death of me. I know that I fall in love hard and fast. Once I’ve had a taste I’m scared that I won’t be able to let go. What then? That’s not healthy, that’s not normal. I can’t let someone else be in control of my life. My best friend said it straight once. “I’m scared that you will fall in love with a guy and become dependant on him, feel that he is the centre of your world and alienate everyone else. I fear that you will self-harm if he ever hurt you.” This obviously stems from my lack of self-esteem, everything stems from that shit. I feel like some guy will complete me, that he’ll fill this void in me that keeps flaring up. I KNOW that’s wrong. So, so wrong, but that doesn’t stop it does it?
Thus isn’t it fitting that my favourite line from the show is when Jax and Tara look back at their relationship:
” That shit was crazy, Tara. That ‘I gotta be with you every minute or I’m gonna kill myself’ type of crazy.”
This addictive thing plays up every once in a while and it’s harmless right now. I neglect studies to overindulge in books or TV; escapism perhaps? Could be a lot worse. So my question is what happens when it is a lot worse? When the storyline is no longer a fiction piece, but a reality of my life, when the hurt is real and it cuts deep, what then?