I’m All Lonely Up in Here Baby

I’ve noticed that I go through mood cycles. I will have periods of content/normal moods and behaviour, flashes of elated happiness and then bouts of ‘depression’.

I’m not sure if I can call it depression or not. But I feel sad, down, lonely, bleak, numb and yet constantly anxious and on edge. If anyone goes through this they can understand that these words are an understatement and don’t even scrape the surface of the feelings themselves. Everything feels horrible.

Bleak. Sad. Desolate.

It’s like you cannot imagine things getting better. You feel as though things can only get worse, I can’t even describe what its like.

What makes it worse is that I dont even have a solid excuse or reason to back it up. Yes things are a bit hectic at the moment, but to be honest I feel quite detached from them. There a lot of bad luck circulating at home, but I can’t blame it on that, because like I said I just feel detached from it all.

Sad and lonely

The only thing I can possibly relate this to is my job. I’m feeling crap at work. I hate it. I dread Mondays (tomorrow) and crave Fridays. I’m just going through the motions and trying not to think too much about it, because if I do then it will all unravel.

I don’t know why I hate work, the people are nice, they try their best to be nice and supportive to me, but I just don’t click with them. I can’t ever feel myself relax around them and just be myself (remember I’m on a years internship, so I can only let my guard down so much anyway). I’m literally just counting weeks and months right now. My contract is up this September, and it can’t come fast enough. I just can’t do this anymore and I honestly don’t even know why. It’s amazing how much work affects your life, especially the basics of ‘fitting-in’.

I have decided that this sector isn’t for me, but then this opens the can of worms: what the hell is right for me?!

I really don’t know what I want to do, where I want to do it etc. At this moment I can’t see myself working for others, and wanting to work for myself in my own home is looking more and more desirable. Social phobia much?

I am just sick of this shit. As mentioned I always get my dose of depression (can’t seem to escape it), but that always centres around my low self esteem. This time it feels worse because I can’t escape the cause of it! I can’t just simply stop going to work.

Worst of all I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this. It’s embarrassing, and I feel like people are going to look at me differently if I do expose myself. So I’m posting on this blog  to try and let things out.

I’m feeling really lonely, anxious and down right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of the consequences of keeping this all bottled up right now. I pray I get passed this. I don’t want to be just another statistic.

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6 thoughts on “I’m All Lonely Up in Here Baby

  1. Socialkenny says:

    I think this is called being a woman. I don’t think it’s rare or something that only happens to a selected few women. You’re pretty normal.

  2. aviets says:

    Hoping this comment doesn’t show up twice…I don’t think it posted the first time…
    Though it’s very common to have the feelings you describe here, I don’t think it’s accurate to call these feelings “normal.” Depression is way too common. Have you considered the possibility you might have seasonal affective disorder? I’ve had it for years and have had the same kinds of feelings you describe. There are things you can do to get better. I also get your discomfort in telling people about how you feel, but I HATE the stigma that still exists surrounding depression. Because we’re afraid to talk about it, that makes it harder to get better and it perpetuates peoples’ negative attitudes. And we’re afraid to talk about it because of those negative attitudes….it’s a vicious cycle. Anyway, you’re not alone, and you can get better – you might start with your GP. And thanks for liking our blog!

    • Hi, thanks for commenting. When I first came across SAD years ago I was surprised because it really described majority of the symptoms that I tend to suffer from. I have always thought that I most probably do suffer from it, however I guess I also suffer from denial, because I don’t want it to be confirmed! I don’t want anything to be set in stone, whether it be depression or SAD. I think thats another reason why I am reluctant to tell people, because then all of a sudden its ten times more real and I’m just not ready to deal with that possibility. I am looking into maybe getting private counselling though, because this along with my self esteem issues makes me a real text book case!

      • aviets says:

        I totally understand your reluctance to deal with possible SAD – I felt the same way for several years. I’m taking a low dose of antidepressant now from Oct-March, and I try to get exercise daily. I really need more sunlight, and tried buying a light box but it seemed like WAY too much trouble and I returned it. I wouldn’t say my symptoms are totally gone – I still want to curl up in bed every night by 8:30 and have some pretty negative and depressed attitude issues, but things are definitely better. I hope you can find some relief!

        • Wow. Guess what I have been doing for the first time in a long time. Curling up in bed by 8.30pm. I just want to sleep, its the only way to escape and get away from all the crap in your head.

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