I’ve noticed that I go through mood cycles. I will have periods of content/normal moods and behaviour, flashes of elated happiness and then bouts of ‘depression’.
I’m not sure if I can call it depression or not. But I feel sad, down, lonely, bleak, numb and yet constantly anxious and on edge. If anyone goes through this they can understand that these words are an understatement and don’t even scrape the surface of the feelings themselves. Everything feels horrible.
Bleak. Sad. Desolate.
It’s like you cannot imagine things getting better. You feel as though things can only get worse, I can’t even describe what its like.
What makes it worse is that I dont even have a solid excuse or reason to back it up. Yes things are a bit hectic at the moment, but to be honest I feel quite detached from them. There a lot of bad luck circulating at home, but I can’t blame it on that, because like I said I just feel detached from it all.
The only thing I can possibly relate this to is my job. I’m feeling crap at work. I hate it. I dread Mondays (tomorrow) and crave Fridays. I’m just going through the motions and trying not to think too much about it, because if I do then it will all unravel.
I don’t know why I hate work, the people are nice, they try their best to be nice and supportive to me, but I just don’t click with them. I can’t ever feel myself relax around them and just be myself (remember I’m on a years internship, so I can only let my guard down so much anyway). I’m literally just counting weeks and months right now. My contract is up this September, and it can’t come fast enough. I just can’t do this anymore and I honestly don’t even know why. It’s amazing how much work affects your life, especially the basics of ‘fitting-in’.
I have decided that this sector isn’t for me, but then this opens the can of worms: what the hell is right for me?!
I really don’t know what I want to do, where I want to do it etc. At this moment I can’t see myself working for others, and wanting to work for myself in my own home is looking more and more desirable. Social phobia much?
I am just sick of this shit. As mentioned I always get my dose of depression (can’t seem to escape it), but that always centres around my low self esteem. This time it feels worse because I can’t escape the cause of it! I can’t just simply stop going to work.
Worst of all I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this. It’s embarrassing, and I feel like people are going to look at me differently if I do expose myself. So I’m posting on this blog to try and let things out.
I’m feeling really lonely, anxious and down right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of the consequences of keeping this all bottled up right now. I pray I get passed this. I don’t want to be just another statistic.