Today is my Birthday! No matter how much I deny it and how much I claim its just another day, I LOVE my birthday. Its that one day a year which is about me, where the attention is on me, my own special day.
Every year I get excited a month before the date, then the weeks from there on and then the day before is like Christmas Eve, all anticipation and excitement. So whilst I am in my element, for everyone else it is, obviously, just another day. So I wake up on my birthday morning and jump out of bed with a smile on my face, but as the hours of the day go by that smile gets smaller and smaller.
I have noticed that after my childhood years I suffer from the birthday blues. Why?
Answer: High expectations followed by the inevitable anti-climax.
I spend all this energy and effort cheering myself up about my birthday but then on the actual day its like coming down from a high; depressing and exhausting. I have noticed a recurring theme every year, the inner child in me has these unrealistic and high expectations of what my birthday should be like (I blame the movies), but then reality is nothing like so. Although friends and family ask me what I would like for my birthday and I always respond with the standard: nothing thanks, I have realised that subconsciously I do want something. What that something is, I still don’t know. But what is a birthday without presents? I guess deep down I wish that they wouldn’t take my answer too seriously and instead surprise me, even if the gift is small.
Then there is the outfit dilemma, everyone wants to look extra special on their birthday. So I go shopping a couple of days before in order to find the perfect outfit. What am I looking for? I have no idea, but I know its special and out there somewhere! Err it is right? So after spending an entire day shopping and then returning either empty handed or with a second choice outfit that will “just have to do”, my spirits are already down in the dumps. Then on the actual day I spend all this time and effort preening and pampering myself, doing my hair, selecting the right acessories and then putting on the birthday outfit. I then head downstairs only to recieve comments along the lines of:
Where do you think you’re heading dressed like that? Do you think you’re going to a party dressed like that? Whats with the outfit and hair?
I know right, like seriously would it hurt to simply lift my spirits by saying, “Oh you look nice”. No sarcasm, no double intended wit, no stupid insults.
Whilst trying my best to laugh and brush the insults/fucked-up-compliments off my shoulders, I then sit around like a princess afraid to get my clothing wrinkled or my hair messed. Sitting on the sofa watching everyone else continue with their work, my spirits wilt even further. There I am sitting all prim and proper acting like the Queen of my own non-existent party, and nobody even notices. So much for that.
That brings along another issue; every year I still have the fantasy of having a surprise birthday party thrown for me. Obviously I have never voiced this opinion out loud (Who do I think I am?) And therefore it is stupid of me to hold onto such a notion; because yes I know people can not read minds. But my inner child is screaming SURPRISE ME!
Once when I was at school, one of my friends had forgotten it was my birthday. So I sat there with her not wanting to say it, not wanting to make it a big deal (it was, it always is) and just kept looking at her expectantly with a slowly dying smile. We spent the first 2 hours of class together and she still had not wished me, I felt like crying. She then proceeded to leave me to my lonesome and instead go sit next to some other girls, for whom she had been ditching me recently. Then during break (recess), our group of friends gathered and (thank God) they remembered. So they stood there handing me my presents and wishing me happy returns. I then noticed out of the corner of my eye, the friend who had forgotten, was whispering to the others that she had totally forgot and then proceeded to extravagantly wish me a Happy Birthday in an exaggerated manner and then cling to my side for the rest of the day. The Bitch.
So ever since then and every time someone forgets my birthday I smile it off, but deep down it really hurts. I know that this is unreasonable because to everyone else today is just a normal day. They don’t feel the excitement and the pure child-like happiness that everyone feels on their birthdays (even the adults who claim that they don’t like celebrating their special days). So thats when the birthday blues set in, the unrealistic, high expectations that I go through every year get smashed down to reality and along with it comes the anti-climax and hurt feelings. So yes, like I said, it’s my birthday and I shall cry if I want to, thank you very much!